DOE jokes
Little Johnny was watching TV when he heard the TV say "bitch" and "bastard." He went over to his dad and said, "What is a bitch and bastard?" His dad looked at him surprised and said, "A bitch is a female, a bastard is a mailman." Johnny went back to the TV and heard them say "ass" and "shit," so he goes back to his dad and asks, "What shit and ass mean?" His dad says, "A shit is shaving cream like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat, why don't you bug your mom?" Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "fuck," so Johnny goes over to his mom and says to her, "What does fuck mean, mom?" She looks over at him and says, "Fuck means carving, like what I'm doing to this turkey!" A few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door. He walks over and answers it. He then says, "Welcome bitch and bastard, may I take your ass?" The people, looking horrified, then ask where his parents are. Johnny responds with, "My dad is putting shit on his face and my mom is fucking the turkey!"
How many times does 47 fit into 9?
Get in the van and find out.
So I was eating this girl out the other day, and I GOT AIDS. How does a 9-year-old give me AIDS? I guess my sister was hanging around the wrong crowd.
What does Hellen Keller call her dog?
"NAUSHFBUYGWF"
What does a foreigner say when he comes to America?
I don't know, I don't speak foreignish...
What word starts with M and ends in RAGE? Miscarriage.
That joke never gets old... but neither does the baby...;)
What kind of cigarettes does a hippie smoke?
Yours.
Why does Kurt Cobain hate his brother?
Because he's always calling shotgun.
Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, there are twenty in my basement, and my basement light still isn't fixed.
What does an orphan have that a homeless person doesn’t?
A home, but what does a homeless person have that orphans don’t?
A parent.
What does the Cow say to the spy?
"Are you udder cover?"
How do men like their women? Striped.
How does a priest like their children? Clean.
Why are most orphans strippers? They want to call someone mommy or daddy.
What is the difference between a stripper and candy? None. But they like it when you take the wrapper off.
How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know, they just keep Putin them in.
There's a difference between my brother and Stephen Hawking.
At least Stephen Hawking does something.
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Students: "Meat."
Teacher: "Very good. Now what does the pig give you?"
Students: "Bacon."
Teacher: "And finally, what does the fat cow give you?"
One of the students: "Homework!"
What does Michael Jackson and a Playstation have in common?
They're both made of plastic and children turn them on.
What does McDonald's and a Catholic priest have in common?
They both put their meat in 10-year-old buns.
I don't know if this is a joke or a question, but:
If killing yourself sends you to hell, where does sitting in the waiting room get you?
What does a lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
"Same time next month?"
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"