What do an Apple company and an orphanage have that are different?
Apples actually get picked... Unlike little Timmy here... He's been here for 16 years.
DOE Jokes
What does LMAO mean? Launching Missiles At Orphanages.
What restaurant does Africa own? M.T. Bellies.
What do you call 2 octopuses that look the same? Identical!
Where does an octopus put its money? In an octo-purse!
How does an American know that his time has come?
He starts hearing Vietnamese.
Why does Stephen Hawking only do one-liners?
Because he can’t do stand up.
If it does more than pee, it's too old for me!
How many fingers does the Dragonborn have?
Four fingers and a Thu'um.
How many homeless guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
“You’re telling me there’s change in a lightbulb?”
Why does NASA only serve Coke?
Because they can't get Seven-Up!
What does the Bible stand for?
Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.
What does a man with no arms or legs do on Halloween?
Nothing.
What does Michael Jackson and a Playstation have in common?
They're both made of plastic and children turn them on.
Why does a penis taste like octopus 🐙?
Stupid question 😒 🙄 even the catholic church ⛪ 🙏 knows that one.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
When your friend does a finger-gun and his dad appears behind him and does it too, with the real deal!
What does NASA stand for?
Neil Armweak Sorry Armstrong.
Why does the Jedi never join the dark side?
If they did, then they would lose the opportunity to molest young padawans.
How many babies does it take to paint a house? It depends how hard you throw them.
