Depression jokes

I wish my grass were emo, so it would cut itself.

What's the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

On the plus side, I finally hear voices talking to me... just wish they were outside my head.

Your PP is small, just like my will to live.

My Bff: Hey do want any coffee?

Me: Yeh, of course.

My Bff: Ok which one?

Me: You know... the black one.

Me: Like my soul...

My Bff: Jeez you ok?

How do you get a depressed person to jump?

Put them on a bridge.

My therapist said to try having a different outlook on life.

I agree. I should have a different outlook on life. Preferably from underground.

Two friends fighting.

Friend 3: "Cut it out, you two!"

Friend 4: "It wouldn't help if they cut it out... Believe me... I've tried..."

A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."

I'm glad we're all going virtual so I can cuss in front of my class and blame it on my stupid siblings.

What music do depressed people listen to?

"I Believe I Can Fly."

Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"

Me: power button.

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

What is a suicidal horny person's job?

A butcher.

How many emissions does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they just sit in the dark and cry.

Less depresso, more espresso, I'm still depressed, but now I'm fast.

Somebody: Do you even eat and get sleep?

Me: I have depression, what do you think?!

I was sad, so I called the depression hotline. Turns out the depression hotline is where people roast you until you are depressed.

Once I asked Siri to tell me a joke, and it asked me, "What is the difference between a large pizza and you?" One can feed a family.

My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.

Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.