Depression jokes

How do you get a depressed person to jump?

Put them on a bridge.

What's the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

My therapist said to try having a different outlook on life.

I agree. I should have a different outlook on life. Preferably from underground.

A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."

I wish my grass were emo, so it would cut itself.

My Bff: Hey do want any coffee?

Me: Yeh, of course.

My Bff: Ok which one?

Me: You know... the black one.

Me: Like my soul...

My Bff: Jeez you ok?

On the plus side, I finally hear voices talking to me... just wish they were outside my head.

When I called the suicidal hotline in Iraq, they asked if I could drive the car.

I'm glad we're all going virtual so I can cuss in front of my class and blame it on my stupid siblings.

To all my bullies: don’t call me gay because I’m not happy.

Your PP is small, just like my will to live.

What is a suicidal horny person's job?

A butcher.

What is the similarity between depressed people and hoodies?

The color black.

I'm not a chef, but boy, are these days getting harder and harder to get through.

Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"

Me: power button.

My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.

Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.

How many emissions does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they just sit in the dark and cry.

Less depresso, more espresso, I'm still depressed, but now I'm fast.

What music do depressed people listen to?

"I Believe I Can Fly."

Texter 1: You know People treat me like a god.

Texter 2: How?

Texter 1: They ignore my existence unless they need something.