My mom told me to help her with the laser but it was opposite day so I pushed her down. She said help so I kick her
Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day." Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably. Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
Guy: "Golly"
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
I was at the park the other day and sat down on the bench next to a mum and her daughter and she asked which one was my kid and I said I haven't decided yet
Same old boring ass day, until a person Parkinson's fainted and got everyone's attention. He really shook things up today.
I was struggling on a math test when a girl in a wheelchair leaned over and said, "Hey, this is the easiest thing I've done all day. " I was triggered, so the next day when we were doing the pledge, I leaned over and said, "This is the easiest thing I've done all day."
people have been telling me that you can get things for free now
the other day i saw a sign saying " FREE PALESTINE "
I wish I was a toe bc I want to be banged all day
I overdosed on viagra yesterday, It was the hardest day of my life
I went to a feminist picnic the other day.
It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches.
get a calculator. ok anyways sally has 69 bottles of boobs (because she is a cannibal that collects boobs)and her friend said it was 222 many,she got caught by the police and was taken to 51 street.she got arrested for x8 days,so she was BOOBLESS
I'm 17 right, anyways the other day my parents told me a joke they made 17 years ago but they still haven't told the joke yet.
11/9 Is opposite day the towers fall on the planes instead of 9/11 way
Hey are you suicide? Cause I dream of you every day <3
Hello! I hope you're having a good day or night! Mind commenting when you laughed the hardest and why? Like if you like this post!
My mate caught me sniffing his disabled sisters knickers the other day, it wouldn’t of been so bad but she’s was wearing them at the time, it made the rest of the funeral so awkward
I sold my vacuum the other day. All I got was dust and my moms wig
One day I went to talk to my friend. "Hi John!" I said. No response. "Oh yea." I went to pick up the remote and clicked the unmute button. "Hope that helps."
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?” When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!” The Teacher fainted.
Little Johnny’s father walks into the bathroom and catches him masturbating. He says, “Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby.” The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again. Johnny says, “Bow your head, Dad. Can’t you see we’re having a funeral?”
