Criminal jokes

Why did the robber take a shower before his robbery?

So he could make a clean getaway!

What does a kite and a criminal have in common?

They both get high.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Jeffrey Epstein?

Only difference between Michael and Jeffrey is Epstein wasn't a smooth criminal, and Michael was.

Judge to the defendant: "Defendant, do you have a criminal record?"

"No."

"Have you always been honest?"

"No, never been caught!"

Police officers hope you’re a criminal.

Doctors hope you get sick.

Mechanics hope you get car troubles.

But only thieves wish you prosperity.

Weird?

What do you call a nut in jail?

A busted nut.

Ya make 10 paintings, you aren't an artist.

Ya make 20 meals, you aren't a chef.

But when I kill ONE PERSON, I'm a "horrible person" and a "menace to society."

Please help me... I’m being held captive by Carl Wheezer.

Why can't orphans be criminals?

They aren't wanted...

Why do orphans want to be criminals? Because they want to feel what it’s like to be wanted.

A cop pulls two Arabian men over, walks up to their window, and says, "We are looking for two child molesters!"

Now after a short pause, the two men look at each other, then back at the officer and say, "We'll do it!"

If you kill someone, that's murder.

If you kill a family member, that's still murder.

If you kill a child, that's "child abuse."

There were three men in a car: the driver, a homeless man, and a rapper. The driver takes them to the woods and says, "I'm not really a cab driver, I'm a wanted killer." The homeless man says, "I'm not really homeless," and pulls out a chain. The rapper says, "If we're gonna be completely honest, I'm not a rapper, I'm a cop!"

What do you call a child predator and an illegal immigrant? Alien vs. Predator.

What’s the definition of a pedophile, Tyler?

Have you ever been accused of a crime you didn't commit? Well, I have! I was wrongfully accused of larceny yesterday. I'm not smart enough for that, I just stole some stuff.

What are a pedophile"s shoes called?

Answer: WHITE VANS

What do you call a sociopath who damages a box of Wheaties? A cereal criminal!

What's the difference between a criminal and an orphan?

One is wanted and one's not.

Why don't orphan criminals go to jail?

Because they weren't even wanted.