Criminal jokes
What do you call a patronizing criminal walking down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
What do you call a sociopath who damages a box of Wheaties? A cereal criminal!
A cop pulls two Arabian men over, walks up to their window, and says, "We are looking for two child molesters!"
Now after a short pause, the two men look at each other, then back at the officer and say, "We'll do it!"
Why did the orphan commit a bank robbery?
So he could be wanted.
Did you hear about the dyslexic American police officer?
He shot a Ginger.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Jeffrey Epstein?
Only difference between Michael and Jeffrey is Epstein wasn't a smooth criminal, and Michael was.
I have been charged, because I roasted a kid at a barbeque.
Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms?
Because he told the man to put his hands up.
Q: What’s a good thing about child molesters?
A: They drive slow through school zones.
The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.
Why is Jeffrey Epstein so bad at races?
Because he comes in a little behind.
Why do orphans wanna be a criminal?
So that they can be wanted.
Judge to the defendant: "Defendant, do you have a criminal record?"
"No."
"Have you always been honest?"
"No, never been caught!"
What's the smartest crime?
3rd degree murder.
Why did the orphan become a criminal?
Because he wanted to actually be wanted.
What do you call an avocado that got shot? Glockamole.
Some people think "prison" is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.
The real dead hooker joke is on all of us from the Fraser Valley in BC. You know damn well each and everyone of us ate that Pickton hooker pork. Considering it stretching from the 80's-2000's, pretty sure he got 4 generations of Valley folk with that Pickton pork.
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."