Clause jokes
Me: Sister, stop stealing my stuff or I will make you feel bad.
Sister: No, I won't stop.
Me: Fine, I'm telling the world what you did.
Sister: What? You will see when I post it.
Sister: WHY DID YOU TELL THEM I PEED ON SANTA CLAUS WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD?
Me: BECAUSE YOU DON ́T HAVE A LIFE.
What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
They both leave the little kids' room with empty sacks.
Santa Claus gives a child a bike. The child was mad. Why? He had no legs.
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.
Santa Claus walks up to three little girls and says, "Ho, ho, ho!"
Why don't Asian kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they're the ones who made the toys.
You know the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"? Apparently, Santa's the mailman.
When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
"What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?"
"Claustrophobic!"
Your mama so ugly, when Santa Claus came to her house and saw her, he said, "HO HO HOLY SHIT THAT'S ONE UGLY BITCH!"
What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
How did Santa feel when he got stuck in the chimney?
Claus-trophobic.
Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
A: He only comes once a year.
It is September. What's the difference between a stage four colon cancer patient and Santa Claus? Santa is coming for Christmas!
Yo mama so fat, when Santa Claus went down the chimney, he said, "Ho, ho, hooooly sh*t!"
What does a stuttering Santa call Mrs. Claus?
A hoe hoe hoe.
Yo mama is so short, Minions look down at her.
Yo mama is so fat that she volunteered for the Hunger Games 'cause she thought it was an eating competition.
Yo mama is so ugly when Santa Claus saw her, he yelled "Ho Ho Holy Sh*t!"
Yo mama is so old, when she walked into an antique store, they didn't let her leave.
Yo mama is so stupid, she sold her car for gas money.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Jews?
Santa Claus gets to leave the chimney alive.
Russian Santa Claus- You better watch out, You better not cry, cause if you do I will stab your fucking eye, Russian Santa Claus does not fuck around. He's making a list, He's checking it twice... You better leave out some Vodka with ice!
Why does Santa not have any children?
He only cums once a year.