Children Jokes

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"

"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."

The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"

The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."

"What about the boy?" the woman asked.

The doctor said, "Denephew."

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves........ just kidding, he hasn’t opened it yet.

Little Johnny's dad was driving him to school when they came up on a couple in a convertible. It was apparent that they were arguing. You could then see the woman pull out a knife. Seconds later, his dad saw a penis land in the windshield. Worried little Johnny will see it, he quickly turned on the wipers and brushed it off.

"What was that, Dad?" asked lil Johnny. "Oh, just a bug," said his father. With a confused look on lil Johnny's face, he then says, "That bug sure had a big dick, didn't he?"

What's the one good thing about pedophiles? They slow down near schoolzones.

How many beaten children does it take to change a light bulb for a drunken father?

Apparently not enough to impress him.

Why can't orphans be gay?

Because they have no one they can call "daddy."

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.

What do apples and depressed kids have in common?

They both hang on trees.

What does a roller coaster and Michael Jackson have in common?

Kids ride for free.

Little Johnny ran into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Mom, can little girls have babies?" His mom answered, "Of course not." A few minutes later, his mom heard him shout to his friend, "It's okay, we can keep playing!"

What do you call children born from incest?

Gross Domestic Product.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

Apples are actually picked.

Why can't orphans never run all the bases in baseball? Because they can never make it home.

I don't understand why, when I went to the shooting range today, the police came. Like, bro, I always go to elementary schools.

Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"

What’s a depressed kid's favorite game? Hangman.

What did the orphan say to the other orphan?

"Get into the Batmobile, Robin."

A few kids were talking about how big their houses were. Kids were pointing to huge houses and huge apartments. One little boy said, "Bet I have the biggest home." To everyone's surprise, he pointed right towards the massive orphanage.

No one cares if you bully an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.