Child jokes

If an orphan takes a photo... Well done! It's a family photo!

What Spider-Man movie does an orphan like? Homecoming.

A woman is in the hospital giving birth. The doctor comes up to her afterwards.

Dr: "I'm sorry, I have good news and bad news."

Woman: "What's the bad news?"

Dr: "Your baby is Ginger!"

Woman: "Ok, so what's the good news?"

Dr: "It's dead!"

🎆 New Year's Eve

Lil Johnny👦: "Every year the same, people always have to start banging before midnight!"

Mom👱🏻‍♀️: "Johnny, would you please leave the bedroom now?"

Dad👨🏻‍🦰: "Son, if you don't leave, it'll bang on your head!"

What did Michael Jackson say to the little boy?

"Shhhhhhh, this might hurt a little."

Why can't an orphan get offended?

What are they gonna do, tell their mom?

So, two kids argued and insulted each other.

KID 1: "Your dad left because he didn't want you, so why don't you kill yourself?"

KID 2: "Well, your dad already killed himself because he didn't want you."

Dad, am I adopted?

NO! Why would I ever choose you?

How many babies does it take to paint a barn?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

What's a pedophile's favorite holiday?

Halloween. Free delivery!

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle Joe last summer."

I went to an orphanage and had a yo mama smack down. That's it.

Have you heard about the pedophile who was guilty of robbery?

He took a girl's innocence.

My girlfriend called me a pedophile, I said that's a big word for a seven year old.

What's the difference between orphans and apples?

Apples get picked.

A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."

When is a rapist safe around children?

When his plans are oven ready.

What’s the difference between a priest and target?

Nothing, they both have children’s pants half off.

What's the difference between apples and orphans?

Apples get picked.

Who is not allowed to watch PG movies?

Orphans.