Child jokes

Mom, can I please go out and play?

... no answer.

"What did the blind, dumb, paraplegic, dead, eight-year-old child get for their birthday?"

"Cancer."

What's the difference between oxygen and children? I don't have oxygen in my basement.

What's the similarity between Catholic Priests and McDonalds? They both like sticking their meat in 6-year-old buns.

Johnny is very attached to his parents. He asks to take a shower with her when she gets in. He looks down and asks, "What's that?" The mother replies, "That's my garage." He looks up and asks, "What are those?" The mother responds, "Those are my headlights."

He then goes and takes a shower with his dad. He looks down, "Daddy, what's that?" The dad replies, "That's my car." He goes to sleep that night and wakes up because of a bad dream. He goes and tells his mother and she says, "You can lay with me." He falls fast asleep then wakes up once more because of falling off the bed. He gets back up and gets under the covers. Then he feels the bed moving. He looks under the covers to investigate and sees them going at it. He then yells, "Mommy, turn on you're headlights, Daddy's parking his car in you're garage!" *THUD*

What's the difference between orphans and apples?

Apples get picked.

What do you do when you see a kid alone? You beat them up and say, "It was self-defense!"

Why do pedophiles go to a nursery?

Early access.

What do Michael Jackson and Tesco carrier bags have in common? They’re both made out of plastic and harmful to children.

Do you know why pedos get away with molesting orphans? Who are they gonna tell? Not their parents.

What is an orphan's favorite Roblox game?

Adopt Me.

How do you know when your girlfriend is too young?

You have to make airplane noises to get her to open her mouth.

Sorry.

What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

Why are orphans so skinny?

They never eat anything that is family size.

I tried to adopt an orphan. The card got declined harder than the child did.

Father: I am taking your toys to the orphanage.

Son: Why?

Father: You’ll need them there.

How is a child molester and Harambe the same? They both get shot for touching little kids.

What is the difference between apples and orphans?

The apples get picked.

So yesterday, I was at an orphanage, harassing children by twerking at them.

They burst into tears.

I was worried that they would call their mom, well... um... I got away.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they can't find home, LOL.