Ceremony jokes

Why do priests perform baptisms? So they can see children wet.

What are the wedding vows of a suicide bomber?

Til death do we park.

I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"

And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"

And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.

Do you know why orphans can't get married? Because they will never get their parents' blessing.

"I’m sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral.

A young boy is in a tepee with his father, just after his sister's naming ceremony. Curious to how it works, he asks his dad, "Father, why is my sister's name Tulip?"

His father responds, "That is her name because a tulip was the first thing she saw when she first opened her eyes."

The boy was still puzzled. "What about big brother Sparrow?"

"His name is Sparrow because a sparrow landed on him when he first began walking."

The boy finally asked how he was named. "Well, we decided to name you the same way as your sister."

The boy nods with understanding, "Thank you, father."

"No problem, Two-Dogs-Fucking."

Why can’t orphans be married?

Because they won’t have their parents' blessings.

A Russian wedding should be called a Soviet Union.

What’s one thing you can say during a wedding and in bed?

I didn’t know we were having seafood tonight!

They asked me to speak at this funeral, and I said, "Of corpse!"

Why are orphan weddings so entertaining?

They get to walk themselves down the aisle.

What do you call a blonde in the freezer?

Her parents named her Jessica, so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

What did Yoda say to Luke during his wedding ceremony?

"May divorce be with you."

My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.

The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.

One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”

“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”

“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”

A bat mitzvah for sheep is a baaaaaat mitzvah!

Two WiFi routers got married. The ceremony was OK, but the reception was amazing.

Why do priests dunk babies in water at their baptism? Because it's important to wash your sex toys.

My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"

When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"

What did the priest say during the christening?

"So anyway, I started blasting!"