Canning jokes

Why was the Pokemon under your bed? So it can Pikachu.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Yes, houses can't jump at all.

"Jesus can turn water into wine, but I can turn your mother into mine."

- Sun Tzu, *The Art of Creating War*

Why does an orphan go to a sewer?

So it can wash up.

Why can orphans travel around so much?

A. They never get homesick.

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

Why do orphans go to church?

It's the only place where they can call someone "father."

If you jump off a building and yell "parkour," how can they tell that it was intentional? T'was a failed stunt.

What are the similarities of GTA V and 9/11? A plane can be stolen and crashed into a building by a bunch of terrorists.

What's the difference between E.T. and an orphan?

E.T. can phone home.

When someone calls me ugly, I get sad and hug them.

I know life can be difficult for those with weak vision.

What are the similarities between a blind person and an orphan?

Neither can see their parents.

Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face.

For instance, when you push them down the stairs.

¡Hola, soy Dora!

Can you help me find the two fucks I'm supposed to give?!

What is the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain Bolt can finish a race.

If you hate what you hear from Nickelback, at least you can get your nickel back.

If you have to deal with the noise from Deftones... unfortunately, not only are you unable to obtain any refund, but you may have become permanently deaf.

How can you be fast and slow at the same time, getting a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

Where do babies get baptized?

So the priest can wash their sex toys.

I used to date this girl only to find out she's a guy.

I guess you can say she had me in a trans.

Don’t have a bike? You can mount me instead.