Canning jokes

I want diabetes so I can drink loads of Coke. - Louie Fennell 2018

Can anyone talk with me? Bored...

How many people can jump higher than a mountain? None. Mountains can't jump.

Can people please shut up about "male privileges"? There is no right that men have that women don't.

Women have the right to genital integrity. Women can vote without having to sign up for the draft.

Women have the right to choose parenthood; men do not.

Women have the right to be assumed caregivers for children.

Women have the right to call unwanted, coerced sex rape.

Women have the right to lower jail sentences for the same crime.

Women have the right to not be assumed sexual predators.

Women have the right to government departments that solely serve their interests. They also have the luxury of "women only" events that men cannot even dream of. (They even took the boy scouts away from us.)

Women have the right to government-enforced gender quotas.

Women have the right to exclusive tax benefits for being a business owner.

Women have the right to domestic violence shelters.

Women have the right to not be assumed the primary aggressor in a domestic dispute.

Women have the right to rape a man or boy, and if she gets pregnant from that man/boy, they can sue him for child support.

So it is women who have more rights.

So shut up, feminists, please.

What did one negative say to the other negative? Together we can make a positive.

How do you find a redneck virgin?

Just look for a 4-year-old. They can run faster than her brothers.

What's the only punch that can knock out a 21 year old?

A Sandy Hook.

He died because of a fuck up by the Hospital. Apparently, the doctor said to the nurse, "You can discharge Mr. Hawking now," so she went to his room and pulled the plug out of his computer.

If you have sex and your African parents find out,

“You can do the boom boom. But you can not do the boom boom in my house. Do it somewhere else."

Why don't wheelchairs have pedals, so when their arms get tired, they can keep going with their feet?

If a person in a wheelchair runs you over, can you call it a "hit and can't run?"

Something you can say about a restaurant, but not your partner:

"So you’re open 24 hours a day?"

What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?

100 dead babies in a trash can.

What is worse than that?

There's a live one at the bottom.

What is worse than that?

It eats its way out.

What is worse than that?

It comes back for seconds.

How many times can 46 go into 8? Just hop in the van and find out.

"Banjo players spend half their lives tuning... and the other half out of tune."

I'm a banjo picker, and I can confirm this is 99% true.

Question: Do you know who Candis is?

Answer: Can dis dick fit in your mouth?

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery, except abortion jokes, because then there is no delivery.

What did the skeleton say to Shrek?

"Jump on me. I can have two layers of skin too."

What did the skeleton say when the other skeleton lied to him?

"You can't lie to me! I can see right through you!"

Yo mama so fat you can see her from 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 galaxies away!