Canning jokes
He died because of a fuck up by the Hospital. Apparently, the doctor said to the nurse, "You can discharge Mr. Hawking now," so she went to his room and pulled the plug out of his computer.
If you have sex and your African parents find out,
“You can do the boom boom. But you can not do the boom boom in my house. Do it somewhere else."
Why don't wheelchairs have pedals, so when their arms get tired, they can keep going with their feet?
If a person in a wheelchair runs you over, can you call it a "hit and can't run?"
Something you can say about a restaurant, but not your partner:
"So you’re open 24 hours a day?"
Memes
What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?
100 dead babies in a trash can.
What is worse than that?
There's a live one at the bottom.
What is worse than that?
It eats its way out.
What is worse than that?
It comes back for seconds.
How many times can 46 go into 8? Just hop in the van and find out.
"Banjo players spend half their lives tuning... and the other half out of tune."
I'm a banjo picker, and I can confirm this is 99% true.
Question: Do you know who Candis is?
Answer: Can dis dick fit in your mouth?
Any joke can be funny with the right delivery, except abortion jokes, because then there is no delivery.
What did the skeleton say to Shrek?
"Jump on me. I can have two layers of skin too."
What did the skeleton say when the other skeleton lied to him?
"You can't lie to me! I can see right through you!"
Yo mama so fat you can see her from 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 galaxies away!
Your earlobes are so big, you can fit your mom inside of them 5000 times and still have room for more!
Why do orphans like pedos? Because it's someone that loves them and they can call "daddy."
What do you call a booty that can do magic?
A butt trick!
You're so skinny, you can hula-hoop with Fruit Loops!
How can you tell a blonde likes you? She ducks you two nights in a row.
Why did the knight cross the road?
He can't because his armor was too heavy.
What can fly underwater?
A mosquito in a submarine.