Canning jokes
Why can't we see or sense kamikazes' bombs?
They're out of plane sight.
We can nip March Madness in the bud, but only if we detect the warning signs of brooding, anti-social February Fever.
Kalyn: Mrs. Frizzle,
Mrs. Frizzle: Sure.
Kalyn: Can you spell I-C-U-P for me?
Mrs. Frizzle: Shut up, you little fucktard!
Do you put a baby in the microwave covered or uncovered?
Covered, it can take weeks to clean up the explosion.
How can you tell that a woman cannot fit through a vent because she got pregnant from a baby elephant? Ain't no telling who's in better shape, the elephant or the woman. I guess it's probably Weight Watchers.
Memes
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener!
Wow, Aiden, maybe you've been mean to Tenya. She is hurting, close to killing herself, but hey, I can pick your ass since, ya know, that is what I do!
Why do orphans like boomerangs?
Because then they can play catch.
Why does a cow love music?
Because it can play a moo-sical instrument.
You can get into a fight with an orphan. What are they going to do? Tell their parents?
What’s the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant lady?
Answer: You can unscrew a lightbulb, but you can’t unscrew a lady.
Why can orphans play baseball?
Because they don't know where home is.
What animal can not be trusted?
A lion 🦁.
Which restaurants can an orphan not go to?
A family restaurant.
What do you call a booty that can do magic?
A butt trick!
Boys: “Hey, can Billy come out and play baseball?”
Mom: “That would be fine, but he hasn’t come out of his room since Friday.”
Boys: “Have you checked the closet?”
Your earlobes are so big, you can fit your mom inside of them 5000 times and still have room for more!
A Japanese man goes to the dentist. After being there for a while, the dentist asks, "How often do you floss your teeth?"
The Jap said, "After every meal." When they finish up, the dentist turns to him and says, "You need to floss your eyes more. I can still see them."
What did the skeleton say when the other skeleton lied to him?
"You can't lie to me! I can see right through you!"
What did the skeleton say to Shrek?
"Jump on me. I can have two layers of skin too."