Canning jokes

Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.

Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.

Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.

Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.

You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you... wait... also the regret after.

What does Can do after eating its vegetables?

Go on eBay to see how much he can sell the wheelchair for.

How does the cop respond to being called racist?

He said, "How can I be racist? My wife's eyes [are] black."

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

What is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch a cold.

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

It's easy to tell if a skeleton is lying to you because you can see right through them.

Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.

How can you tell your best friend is gay?

His meat tastes like shit.

What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?

"Where are the kids?"

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

Where do babies get baptized?

So the priest can wash their sex toys.

I’m really good at algebra. I can replace your X without even asking Y.

Wanna play dolls?

I can be Ken, and you can be the box I come in.

Where can a gay male that is abled bodied find the location of a glory hole if he is looking for a free and anonymous blowjob from another gay male?

From a physically disabled gay male who is either at the gym 💪 💪 🏋️‍♂️ or at the rest area ♿️ 🚹 🚽.

How do you break up a fight between two gay men?

Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"

Person with no arms: Even though I have no arms, I can do anything you guys can.

Me: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏 If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏

Person with no arms: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

There's only 3 types of people: the ones who can count and the ones that can't.