Canning jokes
Michael J. Fox walks into an ice cream parlor.
The man behind the counter asks Michael, "Can I help you?"
Michael exclaims, "I would like an ice cream."
The man behind the counter asks, "What flavor?"
Michael says, "It doesn't matter what flavor, I'm gonna fucken drop it anyway."
Ever have an Italian sausage in a can?
A man is on his deathbed in prison by electric chair.
The man who controls the chair asks for any last words.
The prisoner replies with: “Can you hold my hand?”
There are three types of people in the world:
Those who can count and those who can’t.
My girlfriend was cheating in Uno.
She's not the only one who can play that game.
Memes
Why do orphans suck at baseball?
They can never find home.
73 Earths can fit in Uranus.
I named my dog Stone so that I can say to people that I throw stones every day.
Why can I be black? Because I look like I have puberty, and I sound like I had puberty.
What can you hold in your left hand but not in your right?
Answer: Your right elbow.
How can you tell that a blonde likes you? She only gives three fucking nights in a row.
Why can orphans not get married?
They are dad can't walk them down the aisle!
How can a guy do stand up comedy in a wheelchair?
A girl with no arms and one leg goes to her mother and asks: "Mom, next year for the carnival, can I dress up as a princess?"
The mother replies: "Why? Didn't you like the ice lolly dress from last year?"
What's the difference between a pregnant one and a light bulb?
One you can unscrew.
Why do orphans have criminal records?
So they can be wanted.
Q: How can you tell if a Western is gay?
A: All the good guys are hung.
How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? If you woodchuck on the world with that, you have a really deep in, and he says goodbye. When he says goodbye, you're like, "if you."
I constantly wonder how people can live happily ever after, but then I realized that antidepressants don't make you OD.
Quoting the great Jimmy Carr: "When I cook, I make sure there are vegetarian options. They can make do, or they can fuck off."