Canning jokes

Momma's so fat, she can use her belly button as a breakfast bowl.

Me: Mom, can I have some makeup?

Mom: No. You are beautiful just the way you are.

Me: So that’s why you wear makeup?

How can you get 3 homos to sit on one barstool?

Turn it upside down.

If reincarnation is correct, if you die now, you can be reborn and live a second life. If you were born in Ukraine, you can immediately live a third life.

What's the difference between roast chicken and pea soup?

You can roast chicken.

Why can an orphan not have homework? They do not have a home.

What do you call a duck that can fix anything? Duck tape.

What part of a vegetable can you not eat?

The wheelchair.

Teach a Scouser to fish and he can eat for a day.

Give him the rod and he will stick it in your letterbox and nick your car keys!

What's the difference between a Russian potato and a U.S. potato?

The U.S. potato can still compete in the Special Olympics.

When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.

So they can let me down one last time.

What did the calculator say to his friends? “You can count on me!”

Can I pin your corpse to a tree?

Yo mama was so fat that when she stepped on the scale the scale said: "You gained another pound, nice going fatso, a few more ounces and you can qualify for your own zip code!"

You can only say "Kobe" now when you're playing flight simulator.

I threw a dodgeball at a blind kid and got him out... guess I can say he didn't see it coming!

What do you call a hamburger that can talk and walk?

Funny weird walkie hamburger and talkie cute hamburger. Lol.

For some reason, my mom likes to lick and suck on hotdogs. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

Why don’t I shut myself all the time?

I can only fit so many pairs of kids in my mouth and stomach at the same time.

What can run, be an eyesore, and practice social distancing?

Your hairline.