Canning jokes

Teach a Scouser to fish and he can eat for a day.

Give him the rod and he will stick it in your letterbox and nick your car keys!

For some reason, my mom likes to lick and suck on hotdogs. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

What did the calculator say to his friends? “You can count on me!”

Can I pin your corpse to a tree?

Yo mama was so fat that when she stepped on the scale the scale said: "You gained another pound, nice going fatso, a few more ounces and you can qualify for your own zip code!"

You can only say "Kobe" now when you're playing flight simulator.

Why can’t you sell nans, but you can sell zebras?

Why don’t I shut myself all the time?

I can only fit so many pairs of kids in my mouth and stomach at the same time.

Hey Ryan, what do you call a wall so large no man can conquer?

Answer: Ryan's forehead.

What's an orphan's least favorite show? Family Guy ;)

It’s not like they can watch it anyway: it’s PG.

What can run, be an eyesore, and practice social distancing?

Your hairline.

What do you call a hamburger that can talk and walk?

Funny weird walkie hamburger and talkie cute hamburger. Lol.

Why can orphans not get married?

They are dad can't walk them down the aisle!

I named my dog Stone so that I can say to people that I throw stones every day.

How can you tell that a blonde likes you? She only gives three fucking nights in a row.

How can a guy do stand up comedy in a wheelchair?

There are three types of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can’t.

What's the difference between an egg and a good wank?

You can beat an egg.

73 Earths can fit in Uranus.

What can you hold in your left hand but not in your right?

Answer: Your right elbow.