Canning jokes

What’s something you can say in bed and in a Zoom meeting?

"Do you want the cameras on or off?"

What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?

"Damn, that's really stiff!"

I’m really good at algebra. I can replace your X without even asking Y.

What is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch a cold.

What's the difference between a Russian potato and a U.S. potato?

The U.S. potato can still compete in the Special Olympics.

When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.

So they can let me down one last time.

Why can orphans only watch G-rated movies?

Because they have no parental guidance.

Knock knock. Who's there? It's the police... Who? It's the police, let me in so I can get some donuts!

I threw a dodgeball at a blind kid and got him out... guess I can say he didn't see it coming!

Teach a Scouser to fish and he can eat for a day.

Give him the rod and he will stick it in your letterbox and nick your car keys!

For some reason, my mom likes to lick and suck on hotdogs. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

What did the calculator say to his friends? “You can count on me!”

Can I pin your corpse to a tree?

Yo mama was so fat that when she stepped on the scale the scale said: "You gained another pound, nice going fatso, a few more ounces and you can qualify for your own zip code!"

You can only say "Kobe" now when you're playing flight simulator.

Why can’t you sell nans, but you can sell zebras?

Why don’t I shut myself all the time?

I can only fit so many pairs of kids in my mouth and stomach at the same time.

Hey Ryan, what do you call a wall so large no man can conquer?

Answer: Ryan's forehead.

What's an orphan's least favorite show? Family Guy ;)

It’s not like they can watch it anyway: it’s PG.

What can run, be an eyesore, and practice social distancing?

Your hairline.