But jokes

"I'm sorry, Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."

Off-topic, but why is the picture in the baby category feet? And nasty feet at that? What am I, Dan Schneider?

What do you call your dad?

You don't. Hahahahaha!

By day I like girls, by night I like boys, but you, I wouldn’t like you at dusk or dawn.

Why do they call it emotion when the root word is emo, but emos don't show emotion?

if priests were on Twitter, they would tweet, "He's a 10 but he's 10."

Look, I'm innocent. I was just going on vacation in NY, but my co-pilot said: "Hit it with your best shot."

An Emo walked up to a tree and put his hand up for a high-five.

But the tree left him hanging.

What do emo boys and emo girls have in common? They both wanna die and cut so they can die faster, but they are already dead, already dead to me!

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.

So my ex, who wouldn't leave me alone because she thought I was the best person in the world even though Will has a better haircut than me, but anyway, when we broke up she said I was the worst person she ever met, and I told her she looks like a cross between a beaver and a mole rat.

Then I told her she has the Wendy's logo haircut and then some other things I'm not gonna say. 2 years of bullshit, I was done.

Anyways, she cried lol.

I was going to share my joke about anal, but, fuck it, it was inappropriate.

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

You've heard of anal sex.

You've heard of oral sex.

You've heard of genital sex.

But have you ever heard of NASAL SEX?

The teacher was asking some of her students the meanings of words.

"Sally, can you tell me what 'beautiful' means?"

Sally: "You..."

Teacher: "Aww! How nice! But next time, say the actual definition. Now, can someone tell me what 'malicious' means?"

Andrew: "A dangerous person and/or virus."

Teacher: "Great job, Andrew! Now, what does 'fat' mean? Johnny?"

Johnny: "A pig."

Teacher: "Could you tell me the actual defini- "

Johnny: "In other words, the person who last spoke to me!"

I was gonna make a gay joke but fuck it.

I was thinking of starting up a stair company, but there were too many steps to it.

Say "I cup" but in words.

My biggest joke: I’d show you, but I don’t have a mirror to show you.