Being jokes

Little Johnny's dad was drunk and told him to grow up, and he said, "STFU, you need to be young, you big-ass bitch!"

Gwen, hi, this is well, I am not saying, are you a girl? I thought you were a girl, but I could be wrong.

If the hairdresser is healthy, the cat is happy. *purr*.

On the other hand, if the hairdresser is sick, the cat is happy too. *purrs on the bed*

Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a few hours. Light him on fire, he'll be warm the rest of his life.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.

Anything can be funny with the right delivery, except for abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.

So, I was laying in bed and it's winter, so my room is always cold because the heater doesn't work.

And I was thinking.... It would be warmer if someone else was laying here with me.... Then I laughed because who would wanna be with me. Hahaha

Someone asked me why I'm still here... the answer is simple: I don't want to be used as a school assembly.

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

If Jesus told you to trust everyone, that must be why there are a lot of kidnappings.

Teacher: "If you're dumb, stand up."

Nobody stands up.

After some waiting, the teacher says, "Really? No one? There must be someone."

Little Johnny stands up.

"Oh, so you think you're dumb, Johnny?"

"Nah, I just feel bad that you're standing alone."

What would be Joe Biden's name if he was an orphan? "Joe."

A toaster and a slice of whole wheat bread sit together in the sauna.

After five minutes, the bread starts to sweat extremely and says: "Oh, I think I'm going to be a toast in here!"

The toaster just looks at it bored from the side and replies: "Don't get upset. I'm just here to really switch off."

Why do seagulls fly over the sea and not the bay?

Because then they would be called bagels! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Sending gay men to prison makes no sense to me. I mean, you have sex with a man and then they lock you up with a bunch of other men. That would be like arresting someone for drunk driving and forcing them to become a bartender.

The earth used to be flat until your mama was buried.

If Pete and Chasten Buttigieg had a baby, it would be a turd covered in semen.

All my life I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to achieve something.

Now, after messing up my life at every possible chance, I finally realize that what I really want is to have been someone after following through with one thing.

What's so wrong about Trump being in office?

He steals all the cats.

Why I can’t be skinny? I hurt myself for fatting. - Jenny

Hello please I want gain wait. - Jenny year later.