Being jokes

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

There are sexiest women in politics.

They should be in a car showroom.

I had a boyfriend once. He broke up with me because he "wanted to be more alive." I guess it didn't work when he went to my basement.

My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.

A child with cancer says, "Mother, what will I be when I grow up?"

Then the mother says, "Shut up, dick, you have cancer!" Hehehe.

I met this kid and he was being bullied by 9 people. I Asked 1 whats going on. They all said another one to bully they all tried hitting me and then my mates which was like 15 of them came in and it was like war all over again.

What's a gay guy should be scared of?

A straight gay!

I hear skeletons like to play the saxaBONE, though I think the tromBONE would be better, but tibia honest, both can be HUMERUS, wouldn't wanna hurt your funny bone, but I think your starting to get BONELY so I'll stop pulling your leg. Now get out before I give you a bad time.

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!

Visiting Alabama? Pop-up dating ads be like: "Never be lonely at cousinsonly.com."

What did the fish say to the other fish?

"I want my life to be H2O-ver!"

They told me Avengers: Endgame was going to be 3 hours long, but honestly? I felt like it was over in a SNAP!

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

A blond and her brunette friend were chatting about their boyfriends; the brunette goes on and on about how dirty her boyfriend is with her.

To not be outdone, the blond retorts:

"That's nothing! Once we were in the kitchen, I can't believe I didn't see it coming. One minute I turned, and he just got it all on my face! It was so thick and hard! It covered my mouth, my nose, my shoulders, and eyes. It even got in my hair, and when I looked up at him, all he could say was, 'Whoops! The flower went everywhere!'"

Eagle: "You know why hunting me would be a bad idea?

Because it is ILL-EAGLE!"

What do you get when you cross a cow with a fish? A genetically unstable animal that is impossible and would die instantly upon existing. If it could live, it would be a deformed, parasitic tumor that undulates through people.

So, I was walking down the path of my life with Bigfoot, noticing the two pairs of footprints, mine and his.

One day, I notice his prints are gone. I look up to him and say, "You had promised you would always be there for me. How is this possible?"

He then looks me straight in the eyes and says, "Raw!"

What room does a ghost not want to be in?

The living room.

I saw a petition on replacing gravestones with trees so it will be a beautiful forest.

Son: Where's grandma?

How many dead babies does it take to clean my refrigerator?.....it gotta be more than 4 because the fridge is still dirty.