Bars jokes
A burger walks into a bar and says, "Hi sir, can I have a glass of water?"
And the waiter says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve food here."
A man walks into a bar and see's a naked lady, "WOOW SHES HOT!" HE picks her up and pee's on her and says, "Hi lady lets have sex."
Hi there! My name is Michael Grover, and I am an explorer. Ever since I’ve been little, I’ve loved searching for new things. As a baby, my parents kept finding me in nooks and crannies around the house. “On the search,” as they would say.
By the age of 5, I had been to every continent on the planet, barring Antarctica. For my 12th birthday, my parents got me diving lessons, and by the time I was 13, I could scuba dive to a depth of 40 meters, as well as go cave diving.
I got a pilot’s license by the age of 17, and I learned to sail just before my 18th birthday. Instead of going to university, I decided to travel around South America, exploring its rich jungles and beautiful landscapes.
During my trip, I met my now wife who was also an explorer. For our honeymoon, we sailed around the Caribbean, and we discovered 3 new islands which we named after the cats that I had growing up.
Over the course of my life, I have come across great treasures and wondrous experiences. But in all my life, and in all my travels, I’m afraid I have never come across a single person who cared about what you just said.
What's the difference between an emo kid and a pack of Oreos? The bar code on the emo kid gets longer every day.
A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and yells, "Who the fuck fucked my wife?" The guy behind the bar says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets!"
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Super Power Beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? I doubt it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, and lands with no damage whatsoever. He walks back into the bar.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Let me have some!” The man grabs the beer. He drinks it, jumps off the roof — and falls 15 stories to the ground.
Splat.
The barman says. “You know, you’re a real idiot when you’re drunk, Superman.”
How do the men with bisexual tendencies that are members in the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses have sex with other men without being disfellowshiped in the Jehovah's Witnesses Church?
Anonymous sex at a glory hole inside the men's restroom at a gay bar.
Two chinamen walk into a bar. The landlord says, "Why the same face?"
I don’t drink, don’t swear, don’t smoke, shit, I left my cigarettes at the fucking bar! (Andrew Dice Clay.)
Stephen Hawking walks into a bar... oh wait.
An orphan walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Buddy, you have to go home." The orphan replies, "Where is home?"
What snack do aliens like?
Mars Bars.
Man walks into a bar and sees a bear serving drinks... Sits down looking astonished. The bear says, "what's the matter you never saw a bear serving drinks?" The man says, "it's not that, I just never thought the moose would sell the place."
Why did the oxygen molecules walk out of the singles bar with excitement?
Because she got Avogadro's number!
A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, "WHO THE F*** F***ED MY WIFE!" A man in the back responds, "YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!"
Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
What does Mars like to eat?
A Mars bar!
So Steven Hawking walks into a bar...
Oh, wait.
A man walks into a bar.
I gave an orphan 5 dollars and I said, "Spend it on a candy bar." I came back 5 minutes later and he didn't have a candy bar. So I look over and I see that he has a piggy bank that has 40 dollars and I said, "Where did you get that?" He said, "For being homeless," and I said, "What are you going to spend it on?" He looked at me and said, "I'm going to pay money for a mother."