Back Jokes

Q: What's the hardest part about eating vegetables? A: Putting them back in their wheelchair.

I was in a bar in Italy, me and a hot chick got along, so I asked her for her number, I remembered that there was a pen in my pocket, but when I searched, it was nowhere to be found, I turned back then I saw Pessi running with it, shame on you Pessi for ruining my night! 😭

As a lifelong farmer, I was excited that Ligue 1 was moving up the UEFA ranking toward an Industrial Revolution and I can finally leave the farm. Alas, Pessi joined and we went down a rank because he is so finished. Shame on you Pessi, now I have to go back to shoveling cow shit.

In the bible it says Jesus died for our sins but he came back to life so what did he sacrifice? Was it a weekend to wash away our sins?

Do you know the best thing about killing a hooker? Not only do you get your money back, but, the second hour is free.

I see a poor guy. Mini me be like- mama can I giwve mwy spare money to him. 🤗 and my mum sais yes so I give my money and home feeling SO NICE while MY MOM knows he's going to spend it on DRUGS we go back tomorrow and then after we go to the same place and then I see him with drugs. Me- what I think fck what I do 😭.

A man is in purgatory. He says he suddenly was shocked by something, so he died. The guard at purgatory says: "I can give you one more chance to live!" He revives the man. The man gets up, but something doesn't feel right... He looks in the mirror to see what's wrong. He closes his eyes and hears something. Guard: "Welcome back! You found the problem!"

Two men were were on a hike through a forest when on of the hikers got bit on his ass by a snake the other hiker ran to the village 2 miles away and explained to a doctor there what had happened the doctor told him to cut a cross with a knife where he had been bitten and suck out the venom so he ran back to the first hiker who asked him, ''have u got the cure'' hiker number two just said nah mate your dead

If I was an object in this world I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an Ex streamly powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shity book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape but the more they try the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety

Help me....

Gwen-Kind-Positive-Lends a Helping Hand- Stops Bullies- Does Most Helpful Work- Addison Banks- Positive Voicing-Stops Hurtful Words- ALYA-Powerful in Thought- Helps- But Sadly Is Gone- Prince-Always Backed Up Gwen- But Sadly Is Gone Too- watersharky-Helps When Needed-Backs Up Anyone- Curses When Needed- Helps People Through Depression-

These Are The Legends, There Are More Out There You Could Be One Too Just Lend a Helping Hand.

The IRS came to this mans house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money thats been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man though maybe I need to get a lawyer. So he and his lawyer get to the IRS's office and sit down and the agent said there has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it. The man says yes I do, I'm a gambler. The agent says you gamble with that much money. He man says yes, I'll give you an example. Alright I bet you 5,000$ that I can bite my left eye. Agent says alright deal. The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agents says that not fair. The man says I'll let you get your money back or even more, I bet you 7,500$ I can bite my right eye. He agents thinking I didn't see him come in with a guide dog or a stick so the agent says deal. The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says that's not fair. The man replies alright I have another one, your down 12,500$ I'll bet you 15,000$ if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere. The agent says that's impossible you've got a deal. The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk and the agent says I got you, he's laughing and happy that he final beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face and the agent asked what's wrong with you and the lawyer replies the man bet me 100,000$ he could piss on your desk and you'd just love it.

A man who desperately wanted to be good after serving time in prison was visited by an Angel "You want to change? You can still enter heaven on two conditions ..you must bet on the horses with any money you have and pass your winnings to someone less fortunate and you must never hold on to any beef . " The Angel then disappeared. The man did as was told and became generous and kind ..as he emerged from the betting office with all his money... he would pass every penny of it all to a deserving person..each and everytime. He ,however couldn't seem to avoid meat and would still eat it no matter what . When he died the Angel came back for him .. "But I'm undeserving I can't come with you" he said .. "Yes you can" replied the Angel , "you gave all your stake ( steak) away"

There was a man he came home with his friends from the bar and man; was he ever wasted. Their friends made sure to get him home safely the next morning he woke up and found blood all over his night stand he called his friends and asked for his alarm clock back.

how do you make a orphan's hands bleed? make him clap until his parents come back

One time little Johnny was watching tiktok and he saw a toy that he wanted so badly,so he cleaned up the whole house and did his homework and when he was done he saw a spill on the table,he went to the sink to grab a cloth but when he came back it was gone.He went to his mom's room and saw a drank with the lable daddy's drank so he drunk it and said it's daddy's he wont mind and all day he was like the flash so he went back turned the bottle around and it said speedy and then he said OH GREAT HEVANS.

What did one cheese say to the other cheese?

"Hello, its a nice day, do you have any plans on what your going to do?"... The other cheese was taken back by his politeness and friendliness, they agreed to meet again, and were soon married and lived happily ever after. Let this tale of the two cheeses inspire you to be a better person.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Three men are shipwrecked on a jungle island and taken prisoner by the residing cannibals, they are all told to walk into the jungle and come back with one piece of fruit, they go in and the first man comes out with a peach, he is instructed to shove it in his ass and if he laughs he will be killed, he tries and dies, the second man comes back with a grape and is instructed to do the same, when the two meet at the pearly gates the first man says, i had a peach, there fuzzy, you had a grape whats your excuse? "Well i was doing fine until I say jimmy come out of the brush with a pineapple.