Ass jokes

"Deznuts up your ass."

I got barred from Weight Watchers today.

It wasn't my fault; it was the fat ass next to me who spilled her box of Maltesers onto the floor in the middle of the room. All I did was say that it was the funniest game of Hungry Hungry Hippos that I have ever seen.

My wife told me to pass her some chapstick, but then I realized she hasn’t talked to me in a month, then remembering I gave her super glue.........ehh I’m done with her big ass mouth.

What are two things you could call a fart?

"Gas from the ass" or "Odor from the motor!"

Friends, who's your barber? They mess up big time.

Me.

You're just jealous because my dad cuts my hair for free, and you have to be paying 30 dollars just for that short-ass cut.

My friend and I were playing Poker... And my friend also beat me with Jackass.

Yo mama's ass is mad crusty!

Why does rapboat like underage girls? Cos grown ass girls are too clever for him.

Why do asses make the best detectives?

They always crack the case!

My dog got stuck in my ass, help!

I used to be an adventurer like you, then I took a dick in the ass.

What do you get when you throw a pebble in the ocean?

A wet pebble.

The holy water in this church is of the highest quality: it has been assed by the bishop.

10 dicks up your mom's ass!

How much cum does a gay guy have?

An ass loaded.

This guy went to the gas station to get some gas, and as he asked the cashier for gas he noticed a terrible smell. He asked what the smell was and the cashier replied, "That's your gas, cuz I farted. Now hand me the 20 bucks!"

The guy said, "No, not the kind that comes from your ass, but the kind you put in a car!" The cashier says, "That fart was worth 20 bucks, so beat it!"

Guy says, "I need real gas, nothing about your ass impresses me!" Then another guy gets in line and says, "I know the guy personally, we grew up together. Always trying to be the cool kid in school, bragging about his big horse's ass...no wonder he was always the *butt* of all jokes!"

Why is Fairy's washing up liquid the best form of lubricant for anal sex?

No more tears.

Can you believe they're still together after everything they've been through?

Who you might ask...

YOUR ASS CHEEKS!

Three Europeans come to America. They are all captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a BANANA!!"

Why is calculus called calc? Because you need a calculator. Lol.