Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?" Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me." The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything." The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too."
If I agreed with Leo then that wouldn’t solve anything, it would just make BOTH of us dumb
"what do you want to eat" "You choose" "Children" "What?" *Picks up pot* "You said anything"
Today, I operated on a little girl, she needed O- negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O- negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “so when will I die”? she thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.
regular depressed person: I'm depressed, so I'll go see a therapist
Me: I'm depressed so I won't do anything about it, work on many projects at the same time destroying my sanity slowly while relying on caffeine and pills as my only way to take down my headaches and making memes about it online to help myself cope with the pain
As a straight son one day I ask my mom have your ever quit in something that you did before. My mom said no I never quit in anything. So ask my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said what did I say quitters are for spitters.
So, gender equality is the a woman can do anything a man can right? That they should be treated the same? So therefore if she swings on me, I could punch her into the twin towers because of gender equality. I love gender equality.
Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs? Yes, hailing taxis.
what do you call a rich Chinese person cha-ching
ask Siri what rich North Koreans are there
siri "I could not find anything for this question"
My priest asked if anyone had any questions or anything interesting they wanted to say
So I raised my hand, he said why don’t you tell everyone what you have to say.
In front of the whole church I said did not know Jesus Christ was the first scarecrow.
