Me: Knock knock.
Friend: Who's there?
Me: I don't know anymore.
"Sir, I'm afraid your son can't attend our swimming lessons anymore."
"Why not?"
"He keeps peeing in the pool."
"Well, all kids pee in the pool."
"Not from the diving board!"
Everything is so racist these days, you can't even say "black paint" anymore. You now have to say "Tyrone can you please paint that wall?"
Me and a person downtown.
Person: Hey, crazy Saturday night.
Me: I guess so.
Person: Why do people do crazy stuff like this?
Me: I don't know. I used to, but don't anymore.
Person: Why'd you stop?
Me: Unfortunately, I lived every time I'd try something.
When the school shooter walks by the emo kid and doesn’t feel his gun anymore.
You know why I don't buy Velcro items anymore?
They are a total rip off.
Bully: "Shut up and give me your money, otherwise I will tell everyone that you are still a virgin."
Boy: "Haha, I am not a virgin anymore."
Bully: "Haha, nice joke."
Boy: "If you don't believe then ask your sister or brother."
Bully: "Hah, I don't have any sibling."
Boy: "Will just wait for 9 months then u will know."
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Insomnia.
You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can't cry myself to sleep anymore...
The people in Florida yelling "White Power!" is amusing, because when they get permanent sunburn from the Florida sun, they are not white anymore.
Most states:
"It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends."
Alabama:
"She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."
Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.
A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.
"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.
"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."
The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."
The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"
"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.
"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"
Why did the democrats come out of the closet as assholes after they found out that Rush Limbaugh died? Because they don't fear him anymore.
911, what's your emergency?
Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.
Well, it's not a living room anymore.
Me: Hangs up.
What do you get when a cow doesn't give any more milk?
A milk dud 😂
When you feel lonely, just watch a scary movie.
You won't feel lonely anymore :(
Have you heard about the guy whose friends teased him because he pays for sex? He doesn't pay anymore.
I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.
He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.
My teacher said, "I'm gonna leave soon, I don't want to be here anymore!" So I shot her.
