And jokes

It’s Christmas and Sally has a gift. She got a Barrie. Just kidding, she still hasn’t opened it.

I'm an Alabama gamer and I wanna be free.

I just gotta come out and say it: I like miners, and I don’t care what y’all think. I mean the fact that they are risking their lives just to make ours a little easier is amazing. I’ve always wanted to marry one, to be honest. Y’all need to give more respect to the mining ⛏ community.

What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and his wheelchair?

At least his wheelchair can pull a woman.

Can you really wheel my real wheelchair?

Try saying that over and over fast. Bit of a tongue twister.

What does a pizza and a Mexican have in common?

One can feed a family.

I went 80 mph in a school zone and one of the speed bumps screamed, "Am I hallucinating?"

Yo momma so fat, I asked her to save me a seat, so she sat down and she saved 10, and one by one the legs started popping off.

When I look at you, I wish I could meet you again for the first time... and walk past.

1: Hey.

2: What?

1: We're outta paint.

2: *HMM*

(And that's how stop signs have extra paint.)

Let's rock and roll!

"Ahoy, Spongebob! I just committed homicide in Syria, and the one-party state is after my fucking ass! Argagagagagaga!"

What is something that makes you wish you were dead, rips your skin off, is small, can wear you out in two seconds, betray you in any way possible, and can eat you alive?

Kid's.

When you wear a big hat and your butt starts to splat diarrhea!

I told my sister that when you go to bed with an itchy butt, you're going to have smelly fingers in the morning, and I've never heard her laugh so hard in my life.

Q: My dad woke up one morning about to go to work, but he was still really tired, so he decided the quickest way to wake him up was to slap him in the face.

So he asked me to do it, but I guess I don't know my own strength, and so he went back to sleep again...

I went up to an orphan and asked where their parents were--they stared.

An emo and a leaf fall from a tree, which hits the ground first?

The leaf, because the emo got caught by the rope.

What do you get when you cross a turkey and a centipede?

Drumsticks for everyone!