And jokes

A man is walking on a bridge and sees a lady over the railing.

Man: "Ah, suicidal eh? Are you gonna jump?" Lady: "Yep. I hate this world." Man: "Well, if you're gonna die, can we have sex before you jump?" Lady: "Hell no! You creep!" Man: "Ok, fine. I guess I'll just wait until your corpse washes onto the shore."

What's the difference between Hitler and a feminist?

At least Hitler actually did something.

What starts off fun and ends in bankruptcy?

UNPROTECTED SEX.

What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter? -- An envelope.

A high school student and his best friend were rushing to class after his best friend caused them both to be late. His best friend asked, "Would you like to hear a joke?" "Sure," he replied. "What do you and your sister have in common?" "I don't know." "Because of me you're both late for your next period."

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?" She is shocked. "Why would you want something like that?" The man calmly tells her, "I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover." The pharmacist is now horrified. She said, "I can not possibly give you that. It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!" At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having sex with the pharmacist's husband. She examines it then looks up at him. "Oh. I didn't know you had a prescription."

So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"

The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".

You know some of these jokes took me 9 minutes and 11 seconds to realize. When I did, it hit me like a plane.

What's the difference between a priest and SpongeBob?

SpongeBob asks if you're ready first.

I don't like making jokes about 9/11... they tend to crash and burn.

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple? An apple gets picked.

What does your first football game and your first time having sex have in common?

You were bloody and battered but at least your dad came.

What’s the difference between a nose and an orphan? A nose gets picked more.

People call me a bad person, but just the other day I saw a little kid crying and asked him where were his parents. I love working at the orphanage.

I can see Uranus from here, and it's mighty gassy!

My friend: "Yo, stupid."

Me: "Is that right? And what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?"

My friend: *rolls eyes* and says, "Whatever."

Me: "Keep on rolling them; you might find your brain in there."

I encountered a milf at a bar last night. Although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy.

We were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time.

Then, she asked me flirtatiously,

"Have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet."

She drank a little more, and said, "Well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."

So she took me to her place.

She took out her keys, opens her door, turns on the light, and she yells towards upstairs,

"Mom, are you still awake?"

What's the difference between humans and bullets?

Humans miss John Lennon.

What's the difference between an American 12-year-old and an African 12-year-old? About 40 pounds.

A priest and a pedophile walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Jim!"