And jokes

Life is like a penis: simple, soft, relaxed, and hanging free, until a woman comes around and makes it hard.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed Jill's thigh and said, "You know you wanna."

Jill said yes and lifted her dress so they could have some fun, but stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One of them you'll see in a while, and the other one you'll see later.

Chuck Norris and Medusa had a staring contest. Medusa turned to stone.

So, Johnny was working at a deli. A woman walks up and asks, "Do you have any salad?" Johnny says, "No." She asks, "What about carrots?" Again, Johnny says, "No." She says, "What about bananas?" Johnny says, "Tell ya what, spell out 'lad' in salad." She spells, "L A D." Johnny replies, "Spell 'rot' in carrot." She spells, "R O T." Johnny says, "Now spell 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." She says, "There is no 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." Johnny exclaims, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

What is the difference between a plane and a helicopter?

A plane hits a building, but a helicopter hits the floor.

How do you make holy water?

You take normal water and boil the hell out of it.

I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth. It's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet.

How do you keep a homophobic heterosexual man that is a minister and a Christian nationalist with blond hair in suspense?

Wait until Christmas to take away his church's tax-exempt status or he will call the ACLU.

When you run over a speed bump in a school zone and you remember that there are no speed bumps.

Q: What does your Mama and a slinky have in common?

A: They aren't much to look at, but you can't help cracking a smile when you see it tumbling down the stairs.

What's the difference between Johnny Depp and Eminem? Eminem was never proven to beat his wife in court, but Johnny Depp was.

Teachers at a school shooting be like: damn it. That's the third one this week and it's only Monday.

What is the difference between me and a knife?

The knife has a point.

My family is like treasure. I need a map and shovel to find them.

What's black and white and red all over?

A massacre at a funeral.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

What do you get when you cross a lesbian that is a feminazi, a lesbian that is a progressive democrat, a promiscuous woman that is a lesbian prostitute working inside a lesbian brothel in San Francisco, California, and one of Jehovah's Witnesses?

I have 5 fingers and the middle one is for you