And jokes

What's red and white and lives in a blender?

A baby.

What's red, green, and smells like shit?

... Red and green shit.

If Bruno Mars was to run a pub and sell chocolate bars other than alcoholic drinks, then he'd have to call his pub a Mars Bar!

What's the difference between a prostitute and a trash bag?

There's a limit to how much trash goes in the trash bag.

What does dark humor and a child with cancer have in common?

That it will never get old.

How can you tell the difference between a Christian priest and a zit?

One waits until you're twelve to come on your face.

I was in a bar in Italy. Me and a hot chick got along, so I asked her for her number. I remembered that there was a pen in my pocket, but when I searched, it was nowhere to be found. I turned back, then I saw Pessi running with it. Shame on you, Pessi, for ruining my night! 😭

What do computer programming and 9/11 have in common?

They're both inside jobs.

How do Chinese people get their names? Their parents throw woks down the stairs and name their children after the sound it makes.

A penis has a bad life. His neighbor is an asshole, his friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him.

What is white, black, and red and can't fit through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her head!

What is the difference between Princess Diana and my laptop?

When my laptop crashes, I give a s**t.

What's black, blue, and red, laying in a ditch?

You after you disrespect me.

My girlfriend said, "GIMME EIGHT INCHES AND MAKE IT HURT!"

So I pumped my dick in her 4 times and hit her in the head with a brick.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, there are 69 in my basement, and it's still dark.

What's the difference between cancer and me?

My dad didn't beat cancer... Whelp, I guess I stole that one.

A dad asked his son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday, and he replied, "How about a urinal cake?!"

What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant lady? You can unscrew a lightbulb.

There were three men in a car: the driver, a homeless man, and a rapper. The driver takes them to the woods and says, "I'm not really a cab driver, I'm a wanted killer." The homeless man says, "I'm not really homeless," and pulls out a chain. The rapper says, "If we're gonna be completely honest, I'm not a rapper, I'm a cop!"

I was out ice fishing and had no nibbles all morning.

About noon, this old guy comes out, drills a hole near mine, and starts catching fish as fast as he can bait the hook. I was getting frustrated without any luck, so I went over to ask him his secret. He said "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg."

I said, "Excuse me, I didn't get that?" so he mumbles even louder, "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg!" I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry, but I still didn't understand what you said."

Frustrated, the man spits out a wad out of his mouth and says, "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"