And jokes

A man walked into a toilet and saw a woman fingering a man and said, "I think you're doing it wrong." Turns out it was two transvestites.

How to give a good hand job?

Bop it. Pull it. Twist it. Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger. You put your left hand in. You put your left hand out. You put your left hand in and shake it all about.

None of you ever touch my penis.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What is the difference between a blond and a Nazi?

The blond survived.

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar...

"GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts, "We don't serve your type!"

What is black and at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking's after a fire.

A father and son duo are sitting at a table, eating breakfast. The father looks at the child and says, "I'm hungry." The child looks at the father and replies, "Hi Hungry, I'm Son." The father calls his father and asks why he was named Hungry.

What's black and white and red all over? A penguin that's just been raped.

What is the difference between a banana and a helicopter? Neither of them is a police officer.

He told me that he was in a wheelchair, and I asked, "Oh, wheely?"

What do you get if you cross a pig and a witch with sand?

A ham sandwich.

My "overweight" friend and I were talking at lunch.

Overweight friend: Man, why you so ugly, dude?

Me: *annoyed* Jason, when you stepped on the scale this morning, it asked for your weight, not your phone number.

He died because of a fuck up by the Hospital. Apparently, the doctor said to the nurse, "You can discharge Mr. Hawking now," so she went to his room and pulled the plug out of his computer.

What's the difference between a Lambo and 100 dead babies?

I don't have a Lambo in my garage.

A man broke into Stevie Wonder's house and threatened to kill his wife.

He just turned a blind eye.

My favorite sex position is the JFK:

I splatter all over her as she screams and tries to get out of the car.

What's the same about dark humor and kids with cancer?

They never get old.

What's the difference between cancer and a baby?..

There is none.

What's red, white, and blue and crawls up your leg?

A homesick abortion.

The moment when you tell an illegal immigrant to go home and he walks to the jail cell and closes it.