And jokes

What do you get when you cross a clergyman and a politician?

A panhandler.

I told my dad I was self harming. The next day we talked about it and he said, "Hey you should CUT it out." It was funny but I couldn't bring myself to laugh at that.

My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.

It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.

What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make a loud noise when thrown.

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got to see either of them, and they are now extinct.

What does PEMDAS stand for?

Please End My Depression And Suffering.

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.

What's the difference between Chris Brown and Santa?

Santa stops at 3 hoes.

I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions, which made me cry.

Onions was a good dog.

Bro, Asian girls have the weirdest names. I was, like, with one, and she kept on saying, "I'm too young."

When you send nudes to your Roblox gf and your uncle’s phone sounds with a text tone...

I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Mama Mia's pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is our sauce.

When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

What do emos and apples have in common?

They both hang on trees.

The other day at school we had to write down our hero and what we would do if they walked into our house. I got off easy because my hero is Stephen Hawking.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and Derek Vinyard?

A shaved head, a chest tattoo, and a moustache.