And jokes

Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Yo mama's so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it refused to come back.

Today in math class we had to do an activity where we had to flip coins. The teacher said that we had to flip some coins, remove all of the heads, count them, and put the rest of the coins back in the cup and repeat until we had no coins left. I’m not sure what we were supposed to get out of that activity, but I got 15 dead bodies.

A man went to the library and asked for a book about suicide. The librarian said, "Go away, you won’t bring it back."

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into the school fire and said, "Hot wheels."

People were talking and asking what's the worst day of the year for them.

Person 1: "The first day of school because I don't like going to school."

Person 2: "Valentine's day because it's too lovey."

Me: "Oh nice, mine is my birthday because it's when I was born."

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

The USA guaranteeing freedom of speech is the biggest joke I've heard... Tell that to the people who were almost killed because their cars had "NASCAR Sucks" and "Country and Western is rubbish" on them!

What does a relationship and suicide have in common?

I always fail on committing.

What do strippers and peanut butter have in common? They both spread for bread.

When you die, people cry and wish you to come back.

But when you do, people scream and run away.

When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.”

“Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

Titanic: "And I'm nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!"

A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I'm sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live."

The man says "10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?"

The doctor calmly replies "Nine".

Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water. Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.

A salesman rings the doorbell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”

What is the difference between a preschool and my basement?

Little kids leave preschool.

A teacher asked her class “what is sex?”

Little Johnny got up and said: “Sex is a *temptation* Caused by a *sensation* Where the boy sticks his *location* Into a girls *destination* To increase the *population* Of the next *generation* Did you get my *explanation*? Or do you need a *demonstration*?”

The teacher faints.

Why is sex like math? You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.