And jokes

If I was a cow and could dance, I'd bust some moooooves while I uddered some lyrics!

The farmers were playing chess, and the winner shouted and said: "I killed your horse!"

The second quickly left, and when he returned he said: "We have poisoned all your cows!"

There was a very lazy person. He saw a banana peel in front of him while he was walking... and he said: “Oh God, protect me from falling!”

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So I took away his towers, and he took away my queen.

Ted Bundy walks into a bar wearing all black. The bartender asks, “Whose funeral is it?”

Ted Bundy looks around the room and replies, “I haven’t decided yet.”

At what point does a joke become a dad joke?

When it disappears and never returns home.

What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?

Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”

One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.

How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?

Yo mama so dumb, she put a watch in a piggybank and said she was saving time.

What does a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

Wet noses.

Do you know that “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing?

Except at a funeral.

What’s the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

If you don’t know the difference between their, there, and they’re, then you're an idiot.

I saw a homeless dude and gave him $1.

I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

How is a marriage like a hurricane?

In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking and blowing, but at the end, you lose your house.

My last best man's speech was like the marriage--short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.

What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?

He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.

What's the difference between a school in Pakistan and an Al Qaeda base?

Not too sure. I just fly the drone.

When the emo girl is in a movie and the director says, "Cut."