And jokes

What's the difference between my dad and cancer? Cancer doesn't leave you.

What do pedophiles and a SpongeBob intro have in common?

Are you ready kids?

What do JFK’s killer and a prostitute have in common?

“They both blow heads.”

Dear disabled people, just go to the settings and enable it!

You know, eBay sucks. I was looking for a lighter, and it gave me 18,906 matches.

What's the difference between Hitler and Logan Paul? At least Hitler had respect for the Japanese!

What's the same about "Make a Wish Program" and "Dark Jokes"?

They never get old.

Q. What's the difference between a normal kid and an emo kid? A. One has a functioning neck.

What do Michael Jackson and math have in common? They are both hard for kids.

What’s the difference between criminals and orphans?

Only one is wanted.

Random person: "Just turn the page and start over."

Me: "I'm not sure if you're telling me to be gay or uhhhh die but both are good options."

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack can eat her candy. He got sick when he got a mouthful of dick and realized her name was Randy.

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

What's the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? Flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.

What's the difference between a hooker and a mosquito?

The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.

So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?

And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.

This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"

"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"

I have a fish that can breakdance!

Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

I was crying at school, telling my friends my grandpa died. And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

Dr. Seuss died September 24, but that was a lie. Dr. Seuss, when he was 97, he stole a plane and the last rhyme he did was “up in the sky so very far he comes, Dr. Seuss allahuakbar.”

I called the suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.