And jokes

Q. What's the difference between a normal kid and an emo kid? A. One has a functioning neck.

Random person: "Just turn the page and start over."

Me: "I'm not sure if you're telling me to be gay or uhhhh die but both are good options."

What's the same about "Make a Wish Program" and "Dark Jokes"?

They never get old.

What do Michael Jackson and math have in common? They are both hard for kids.

Max likes his girls like he likes his wine. 7 years old and locked in his basement.

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

What's the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? Flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.

What's the difference between a hooker and a mosquito?

The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.

So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?

And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.

This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"

"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"

I was crying at school, telling my friends my grandpa died. And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

I have a fish that can breakdance!

Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

I called the suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.

We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.

The Big Bang happened 16.8 billion years ago, and matter cannot be created or destroyed. Therefore, we are all technically 16.8 billion years old. So, to answer your question, officer, yes, she is of age.

What's the difference between life and death? Life hurts.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

A horse walks into a bar.

Several of the patrons quickly get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.

I was gonna walk up to an emo and say, "Do you get jealous when your phone dies?"

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed Jill’s thigh and said, “You know you wanna.” Jill said yes and pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium and you’re being a respectful friend.

But do it at home and you’re destroying evidence.