And jokes

I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.

We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.

What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you stick the cucumber.

Money and my mom are kinda the same thing; they come and leave easily.

Imagine working at the World Trade Center, only for Osama bin Laden to call and ask if he could crash at your place.

How to kill a blind person.

Give them a gun and tell them it's a hairdryer.

At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.

I was gonna walk up to an emo and say, "Do you get jealous when your phone dies?"

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

A horse walks into a bar.

Several of the patrons quickly get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed Jill’s thigh and said, “You know you wanna.” Jill said yes and pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

The Big Bang happened 16.8 billion years ago, and matter cannot be created or destroyed. Therefore, we are all technically 16.8 billion years old. So, to answer your question, officer, yes, she is of age.

What's the difference between life and death? Life hurts.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium and you’re being a respectful friend.

But do it at home and you’re destroying evidence.

Why are women like KFC?

After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

No one has the right to look down on others unless you're perfect, and looking down on others is not perfect either.

It's just true.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke marijuana. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, and asked if she wanna. Jill said yes and pulled up her dress, and they had a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill, now they have a son.

(sorry in advance this joke is brutal)

What has 12 heads and 24 eyes?

The bin at the back of the abortion clinic.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just arrest the lightbulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.

Two atoms are walking down the street, and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I’m positive!"

A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."