And jokes

My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.

What's the difference between orphans and cotton?

Cotton gets picked.

It's all fun and games until someone fails at becoming Superman.

Why can't you solve a murder in Alabama?

All the DNA is identical and there are no dental records.

There was a cannibal who had a wife and eight kids.

Technically, suicide is murder, and murder is illegal, so if I kill myself, my body should go to jail.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.

What is the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of babies?

You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?

They both leave the little kids' room with empty sacks.

What's the difference between a priest and McDonald's?

They both like to slide their meat between 10 year old buns.

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...

Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]

Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly, the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.

The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, "I'll tell you about what you saw yesterday. You know, Dad has a big belly, and that's why Mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat." The little boy says, "But Mama, that does not make any difference." "Oh no?" the mom asks. "No," says the little boy, "When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!"

Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.

My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."

So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.

Max likes his girls like he likes his wine. 7 years old and locked in his basement.

A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.

Little Johnny is walking around and peeks in his parents' room, catching them having sex. So he asks, "What are you guys doing?" and they reply, "Nothing, nothing! We're just, uh, making cake," and they send him away.

So he continues walking around, and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother's room. He walks in and catches his brother and his brother's girlfriend having sex and then asks him, "What are you guys doing?" and his brother yells, "Get out! We're making cake!"

So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says, "So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night, huh?" and she replies, "OMG! How'd you know!?" and Johnny replies, "Because I licked the icing off the couch."

How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.