And jokes

A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.

What is the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of babies?

You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?

They both leave the little kids' room with empty sacks.

What is the difference between a Rubik’s cube and a penis? I don’t know, but they both get harder the more you play with them.

What's the difference between a priest and McDonald's?

They both like to slide their meat between 10 year old buns.

What was Stephen Hawking's favorite childhood song? "The wheels on the chair go round and round....."

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...

Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.

My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."

So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.

A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the doctor's office. When he gets there, the doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the doc why? The doc said, "So I can examine you!"

Little Johnny is walking around and peeks in his parents' room, catching them having sex. So he asks, "What are you guys doing?" and they reply, "Nothing, nothing! We're just, uh, making cake," and they send him away.

So he continues walking around, and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother's room. He walks in and catches his brother and his brother's girlfriend having sex and then asks him, "What are you guys doing?" and his brother yells, "Get out! We're making cake!"

So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says, "So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night, huh?" and she replies, "OMG! How'd you know!?" and Johnny replies, "Because I licked the icing off the couch."

What are the differences between a preschool and a pedophile's basement? Little kids leave preschool.

What's the difference between my dad and cancer? Cancer doesn't leave you.

Dear disabled people, just go to the settings and enable it!

A robber held up a depressed kid at gun point.

The depressed kid took the gun, and said, "I'll do it myself."

You know, eBay sucks. I was looking for a lighter, and it gave me 18,906 matches.

What's the difference between Hitler and Logan Paul? At least Hitler had respect for the Japanese!

What’s the difference between criminals and orphans?

Only one is wanted.