And jokes

God creates dog.

God: "You are man's best friend."

Dog: "That's pretty sexist."

God: "No, man as in- You know what, FUCK IT! You can't speak!"

Dog: "....."

God: "And chocolate kills you!"

Dog: "🐶"

My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My wife hates that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and went right.

What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for over 10 years.

What is the difference between me and Paul Walker?

I’ve watched Fast and Furious Seven.

My first football game was a lot like my first time having sex.

I was bloody, sore, and but at least my dad came.

Guys, I promise I’m not suicidal, I just like dark things.

*proceeds to walk around the house with headphones in and stare at the ceiling while laying down on the couch*

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

Frostbite.

What is the difference between a hundred dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage!

I saw a little kid crying. I went up to him and asked where his parents were. I got fired from the orphanage.

What do orphans and fathers have in common? They both don't have families to go to.

A guy asks his priest friend what he wants to eat, and the priest says "bad boys." Then his friend asks, "What kebab do you want?" and the priest says, "B Bricked up Caucasian or Asian will do."

Your hairline and your eyebrows are social distancing.

I have a fish that can breakdance, but only for 20 seconds and only once.

What do the Twin Towers and my Mom have in common? They both went down on my dad.

What do CG artists and porn stars have in common?

They both composite (cum pose it) at the end.

What is the difference between Clash Royale and the Twin Towers?

Clash Royale still has a tower.

What do you call a blind and illiterate military leader?

Winston Churchill.

Did you ever see any white men drowning in the Atlantic Ocean?

Yeah, it went on and on.

If you got a priest, a Rhodes scholar, and a politician in a room, what would you get?

The Royal Commission.

Alternatively, Tony Abbott.