And jokes

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricant.

What does a race track and your hairline have in common? They both go up and down.

What’s the difference between your dad and your hairline?

Nothing, they both ran off.

My wife told me to contact more of my feminine side.

I crashed the car and fucked my trainer.

What’s the difference between how you watch porn and I watch porn?

The windows we watch through.

Go to soyjak.party for the funniest memes and soyjaks.

Little Johnny goes to his mum and asks, "Mummy, what's rape?"

Little Johnny's mum answers, "The way you got here."

What's black and sits on top of a staircase?

Stephen Hawking's after a house fire.

It only takes 4 inches to please a woman.

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit.

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

Santa decided coal was too expensive, so he started putting shredded lettuce and mayo in naughty kid's lockers... he calls it the coal's law.

What's the difference between Batman and a Black man???

Batman can go out at night without Robin.

Q. What's the difference between a Kevlar vest and a CEO?

A. The CEO isn't bulletproof.

I gave a blind kid a hand grenade and told him it's a beyblade.

What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer?

A freezer doesn't scream when you put meat inside it.

What’s the difference between chocolate and people?

You can’t buy people nowadays.

I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.

It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!

What’s the best part about being a circumcision doctor?

The pay is good and you also get to keep the tips!

What do you call a deaf and blind axe murderer?

Helen Killer.

A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar.

And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"