And jokes

Why do orphans want to be dogs?

Because they want their own bed and food.

Why did the alarm go off when the emo and his friends left the store when they checked everything out?

The emo forgot to roll his sleeves up.

Today was the worst day ever. My ex got ran over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

Balls are annoying. They just bounce and never keep still.

A man is digging in his garden and finds a gold chest. He goes to tell his wife.

Then he remembers why he was digging in the garden...

What's black and long?

- The line at KFC.

What’s the difference between an orphan and Pikachu?

Pikachu, I choose you!

I went to Starbucks today and they asked what I wanted, and I replied with "to die, a shot of bleach, and an deppresso expresso."

Did you know Paul Walker had dandruff? Neither did I til I seen his Head and Shoulders on the dashboard.

What do a baby and a grenade have in common? They both make loud noises when thrown.

What goes inside and comes out wet?

I was struggling on a math test when a girl in a wheelchair leaned over and said, "Hey, this is the easiest thing I've done all day."

I was triggered, so the next day when we were doing the pledge, I leaned over and said, "This is the easiest thing I've done all day!"

What's at least 6 inches long and goes in your mouth, and it's more fun if it vibrates?

A toothbrush.

What is six inches, goes in your mouth, and it's fun when it vibrates? A toothbrush.

Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

READ THIS OUT LOUD:

This is this cat.

This is cat.

This is how cat.

This is to cat.

This is keep cat.

This is an cat.

This is idiot cat.

This is a busy cat.

This is for cat.

This is forty cat.

this is seconds cat.

NOW- go back and read the third word from each line from the start.

A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find God, he'll help you!"

Then the man said, "There’s only one way to get to God, and that is through Jesus. Have you, my friend, found him?"

Satan and the devil are alter egos.

What's the difference between my dad and cancer?

My dad didn't beat the cancer.

Why did my dad cross the road?

To get to the nearest building so he wouldn't die in the crippling smoke of the most terrifying and only terrorist attack on American soil.