And jokes

My grandfather tells me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.

How did Stephen Hawking die?

He tried to update to Windows 10, and his hard drive corrupted.

Why did the cat meow?

Because it's a cat, and they meow.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying in a pile of leaves?

Russell

Person 1: Did you hear the joke bout 9/11?

Person 2: No, but it'll probably crash and burn.

What’s the difference between drugs and kids?

I don’t do drugs.

"Suicide is a murder, and my body should go to jail."

If 80% of all suicides in the UK are males, and women want equality, then maybe they should just kill themselves.

So I was on a Discord call the other day, and one of my friends, an American buddy, joined, and we had a conversation.

Until they said: "When did pounds change to quid?"

And I said: "They're the exact same thing."

Then they said: "But when did it happen?"

So I said: "When did school change to shooting range?"

It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.

An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf, and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.

What's large, grey, and doesn't matter?

An irrelephant.

What's green and sings?

Elvis Parsley!

I just got a job at the prison library.

It has its prose and cons.

What's the difference between the Twin Towers and an emo bitch?

The Twin Towers hit the ground.

Why isn’t the word “orphan” spelled with an “f” instead of “ph?” Because that “f” stands for “family,” and the word “orphan” doesn’t have a family.

What's the difference between Jedi and a rapist?

Nothing, they both use the Force to get what they want.

Hitler killed 18 million and only died once.

Fucking camper!

What do you get when you cross breed a bear with a retarded person?

A feminist (a hairy and brainless beast).

I have no life, and I have no funny jokes.