And jokes
Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!
Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.
What does a lesbian and a sea turtle have in common?
They both choke on plastic.
What's red, green, and goes 90 miles an hour?
A frog in a blender.
Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Memes
For all the Harry Potter fans:
A VPN is occlumency for smart devices, and our ISP is a legilimens.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
A guy walks to his friend's house. His friend asks, "Where is your girlfriend?"
The guy replies, "Meet me at the cemetery in a week, and you'll find out!"
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
It was a complete waste of money.
He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."
Wife: (on phone) Hi. Husband: Hey, I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What's the difference between an anal and oral thermometer?
The taste.
Chuck Norris once stared a basilisk in the eye, and it DIED!
What is better than winning the gold medal at the Special Olympics? Having arms and legs.
A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
I told her she needed to put her dog on a leash, and her boyfriend is still on a leash to this day. 😮💨
What's the difference between me and a rope?
A rope will hang with you.
They toss and turn to the sound of thunder, but I got watermelon to soothe my slumber!
If Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up, they would be great ALLOYS!