And jokes
Hookers are like drive-thrus; you tell them what you want, pay for your stuff, and leave.
What is long and black? The line at Popeyes.
There was an illegal alien woman who wanted to be called "undocumented." So, I had "undocumented" sex with her and threatened to have her deported if she reported me for rape. I'd call it even.
Mom, can I please go out and play?
... no answer.
I helped my son (who is missing his arms) unwrap his Christmas present. The ungrateful bastard just sits there and cries, and it's a pair of mittens. The ungrateful bastard is just sitting there, crying.
Memes
1 and 2 fell in love. The 2 said, "You're the only 1 for me!"
I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.
Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.
What do snow and friends have in common? If you pee on them, they disappear.
Yeah, I'm made out of DNA.
✨ Depression and anxiety ✨
What's the difference between oxygen and children? I don't have oxygen in my basement.
Can’t believe how ungrateful my dwarf next-door neighbor is. I saw him waiting at the bus stop earlier today and offered to give him a lift, but he told me to “fuck off.” In the end, I decided to just close my rucksack and walk away.
What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?
nothing... they both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.
What's flat chested and emo? A cutting board.
There are two types of people in Alabama: the orphans and the incests.
Why should you be friends with emos? Because you get to scan their bar code for 20% off, and when it expires, they get rid of themselves.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What does an Xbox/PlayStation and Michael Jackson have in common?
Kids turn them on.
What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.
What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."
When you're the only one bullying the weird kid and you're absent on the day he shoots up the school. ̄\_(ツ)_/ ̄
One day you see a girl climb a pole and ask her, "Why are you climbing that pole?" "Because a boy paid me to." "He did that to see your underwear." "Oh. Ok."
The next day you see her do the same thing. "Why are you doing the same thing?" "Well, I got him this time. I did not wear underwear."