And jokes

So, I was getting on a plane, and the pilot does his usual speech talking about altitude and what not with the microphone, and he forgets to turn it off, so after the speech I heard him and the co-pilot talking about what they were doing after work, and whatnot.

Then the pilot said he was dying for a blowjob and a coffee, so a stewardess ran to the pilots cabin, and then left about 15 minutes later, and the pilot shouted "Next time don't forget the coffee!"

when someone says to cheer up: you, I never thought of that. :)

-> in reality, :( (sob)

depression is no game, and here in this world, we are here for each other, although at times it might not seem like it.

Keep strong, and you'll find the end of the tunnel, but ending the pain and being gone just spreads depression.

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.

This man got his left arm and left leg cut off, and someone asked him, "How are you?" And he said, "I’m all right now."

I'd make 9/11 jokes, but they'd just crash and burn.

School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.

What do you call a retarded person and a stroke victim in the same bed?

Mashed potatoes.

What’s the difference between a school and an ISIS hideout?

I don’t know, I just fly the drone.

Q: When and where was the biggest BBQ ever?

A: Hiroshima, Japan 1946.

I'm telling my kids that in 2020 I survived world war 3, the zombie apocalypse, the invasion of the murder hornets, and the second American revolution.

I ran into a dwarf and he said: "Well, I’m not Happy."

Then which one are you?

Two skeleton brothers are talking.

1st bro: "Hey, get up! You and do some exercise! You are so heavy, you weigh a ton!"

2nd bro: "A skele-TON :)"

If you're fat and transgender, then would you be considered trans fat?

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everybody that can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.

Sally threw herself a birthday party, and only one person showed up. Who is it?

The grim reaper.

Life is like a penis. Long, free, flowing, and soft, until a woman comes and makes it hard. 😉

So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."

An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.

*A few minutes later*

son: There.

mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?

son: Dad showed me before he died.

mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.