And jokes

So here's the joke. A bear walks into a bar and sits down and then....then..........then................................zzzz

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

Apples are actually picked.

One day I got home and told my girlfriend, "I cheated on you." She replied with, "F**k you!" I then said, "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They put doorknobs on a wall and said, "Open the door."

Grew up playing Fruit Ninja on my iPad. Spent time with my online sister playing multiplayer.

Now I play it in school with an awesome small steel blade.

I’m not allowed my phone during school hours and I have to give it in at the start of the day...

What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?

The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.

Why don’t you act like your hairline and kindly take several steps back?

Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.

Dad: Would you like to talk about it?

Son: Sure.

Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.

Son: I can't, my butt hurts.

What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Why are there so many scars and cuts on your arm?

Because it's a battlefield.

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

I like my women the way I like my coffee, and I don't drink coffee.

My dad went out for milk. It's been 15 years and I still have to eat my cereal dry.

What do Joe Biden and Russia have in common?

Neither of them respect boundaries.

What game do zombies like to play?

Corpse and Robbers.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

What do lesbians and turtles have in common? They both choke on plastic.

What do orphans, parents, and trees have in common? They leafed.

Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"

How do you spell ihop?

Then spell ihop and say "ness".