And jokes

What's the difference between an ISIS training center and a school?

I don't know, I just fly the drone.

what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.

What’s the difference between Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker?

They both died at 95.

What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?

This would be much better if you were alive.

A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.

The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."

What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? You have to ask permission before stuffing it with meat.

What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex?

One will make your day, and the other will make your hole weak.

There are people who are beautiful, and then there are people whom I won't rape.

What kind of woman does Bill Cosby like the most?

The “cold and passed out” kind.

What's better than sex with your 12 year old sister?

Rolling her over and pretending it's your 10 year old brother.

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass.

I heard that my crush got kicked in the balls and when I thought of it...

One day I was walking around, then saw this mom mad at her kid and screamed, "You're adopted!" He said, "Yeah, I know. My REAL mommy is still at home with daddy."

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme.

So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.

A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing I’ve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh it’s not what you think, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."

When 9/11 happened, we changed our airport policies. When school shootings happen, we haven't changed anything since the shooting at Columbine in 1999. And we say we want the children to be safe.

I don't get this. Why is it I go to an orphanage and all of a sudden they said I used to be the cutest baby there?

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!

Grew up playing Fruit Ninja on my iPad. Spent time with my online sister playing multiplayer.

Now I play it in school with an awesome small steel blade.

I’m not allowed my phone during school hours and I have to give it in at the start of the day...

My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.