And jokes

Q: What do Burger King and Michael Jackson have in common?

A: They put meat on five-year-old buns.

Do you know the TV show "Naked and Afraid?" Well, that's what my grandpa and I played when I was young.

Roses are red, violets are violets, my dad died in 9/11 and he was a good pilot.

A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.

The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.

The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."

The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up... you're next!"

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.

But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.

What's the a simulation between a penis and a Rubik's cube?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

What has 5 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

So I was at home, and I went to take a shower, and I accidentally walked in on my brother having sex with some girl. So I left. A couple minutes later, I needed my headphones to listen to music, so I asked my mom where she was. She told me she was in the shower. Our house only has one bathroom. Sweet home Alabama.

What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?

I take off my boots when I jump on a trampoline.

I used to date a girl named Ruth, but she broke up with me and now I am ruthless.

So, Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well, come with me out to my dad's car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

Japanese people are so cool and organized, they have their own ways of suicide.

There are only 363 days in a year for orphans because Mother's Day and Father's Day don't count.

What do food and dark humor have in common? Some people don’t get it.

I was making sandcastles with my Nan, then my mum came in the room and took away the urn.

There is a thin line between death and life!

You won't live to see it.....

The Cardiogram will!!

What's the difference between a pile of babies and a Porsche?

I don't have a Porsche in my garage.

What's the difference between a black dad and a boomerang? A boomerang comes back.