And jokes

What is the difference between the rook and the bishop? The rook goes straight, while the bishop moves diagonally.

Two people just met. One said, “We should do some bonding.” The other nodded and said back, “Titanic.” The first just looked confused so the second one just said, “Sorry, thought that would be a good icebreaker.”

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Stop and apply lubrication.

Jesus could walk on water, and Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Old man goes to the doctor.

The doctor says, "The test results are back, and I'm sad to say you have cancer and Alzheimer's."

The old man says, "Phew! At least it's not cancer!"

There's a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run.

How do we know that Princess Diana had dandruff?

Because they found her head and shoulders in the glovebox.

What's the difference between my phone and my sister?

I actually give a damn if my phone dies.

When China built the Great Wall, the Mongols invaded them and founded the Yuan dynasty. With Trump building his wall, will the Mexicans invade the US and found the Juan dynasty?

yo mama so fat she went swimming with the whales and sang "weeeeeee areeeee fammmilllyyyyy!!!!!!!"

Teacher: What does a pig give you?

Little Johnny: Bacon.

Teacher: Good, what does the sheep give you?

Little Johnny: Wool.

Teacher: What does the fat cow give you?

Little Johnny: Homework and says "leave motherf*cker".

What’s the difference between jail and my basement?

Some people are let out of jail.

First of all, if a woman sues Bill Cosby for drugging and rape 50 years ago, and she could still remember it, it couldn't have been all bad.

This one kid never stands up for the pledge of allegiance, and I'm tired of it.

Today, I push him out of his wheelchair.

How do you know when a football player has been to jail?

When he goes in a tight end and comes out a wide receiver.

My school is on fire today, and I pushed a kid in a wheelchair down the stairs and shouted, "Hot Wheels!"

What does a blondie and a shotgun have in common?

Give them a cock and they're ready to blow.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to get some water. Jill pulled up her dress and said, "Daddy, fuck me harder."

THIS IS A RHYME

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said you know you wanna.

Jill said yes as he grabbed her dress,

and they had a little fun.

Jill forgot her pills so now they have a son.

Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he will fly for the rest of his life.