And jokes

How do you know when a football player has been to jail?

When he goes in a tight end and comes out a wide receiver.

THIS IS A RHYME

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said you know you wanna.

Jill said yes as he grabbed her dress,

and they had a little fun.

Jill forgot her pills so now they have a son.

Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he will fly for the rest of his life.

What do McDonald's and a priest have in common? They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.

A Roman walks into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says, "Give me five beers."

What's the difference between a priest and a rabbi? The rabbi cuts it off, and the priest sucks it off.

What's the difference between light and hard?

It's easy to get to sleep with a light on.

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

When China built the Great Wall, the Mongols invaded them and founded the Yuan dynasty. With Trump building his wall, will the Mexicans invade the US and found the Juan dynasty?

I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are he he.

Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"

One day I came to my mom and said, "MOM!!! I can make a butterfly!"

Mom: "No you can't..."

Me: *throws butter out the window* Me: "Look I made a butterfly!"

lol this isn't funny but I hope you liked it.

A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."

What objects have the most gravitational force?

A Lambo and a gold digger.

What does a kid and wine have in common?

Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.

Three people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones in the country they came from, but they will be charged. The American spends 10 minutes on the phone and is charged $20. The German spends 12 minutes on the phone and is charged $24. The man from Afghanistan spends half an hour on the phone and is charged nothing. The other two guys asked the devil why. The devil responded: "Local calls are free."

What is the difference between the President of Ukraine and the President of the United States?

The President of Ukraine is a comedian, and the President of the United States is a joke!

Why does an orphan go to church? So they can call someone father and be loved.

My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.

What is the difference between an iPhone and an orphan?

An iPhone has a button to go home.