And jokes

Q: What's the difference between a knife and a woman arguing?

A: A knife has a point.

Boss: You're fired.

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?

What is the difference between an orphan and a criminal?

Criminals are wanted.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed Jill's thigh and said, "You know you wanna."

Jill said yes and lifted her dress so they could have some fun, but stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One of them you'll see in a while, and the other one you'll see later.

Chuck Norris and Medusa had a staring contest. Medusa turned to stone.

Kelly Clarkson wants to be Rosie O'Donnell so badly. Too bad Kelly is the "Queen of Incest" and not the "Queen of Nice".

(And Kelly came from a sundown town in the Deep South, and not from Long Island.)

So, Johnny was working at a deli. A woman walks up and asks, "Do you have any salad?" Johnny says, "No." She asks, "What about carrots?" Again, Johnny says, "No." She says, "What about bananas?" Johnny says, "Tell ya what, spell out 'lad' in salad." She spells, "L A D." Johnny replies, "Spell 'rot' in carrot." She spells, "R O T." Johnny says, "Now spell 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." She says, "There is no 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." Johnny exclaims, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

There was a man named Matt that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, "I am here to tell you my sins." He was all for it and said, "Go ahead."

Matt, "Father, last night I almost cheated on my wife."

Priest, "How so?"

Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything, just rubbed each other, that's all."

Priest, "RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! For your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box!"

Matt, "Okay, I promise not to see her again."

Then Matt walks out the door.

Priest, "Hey! I saw you! You didn't put any money in the donation box!!"

Matt, "Yes I did. I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in."

You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?

Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.

What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

What is the difference between a plane and a helicopter?

A plane hits a building, but a helicopter hits the floor.

What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?

One is hairy and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus. You're welcome.

Q: What does your Mama and a slinky have in common?

A: They aren't much to look at, but you can't help cracking a smile when you see it tumbling down the stairs.

What's the difference between Johnny Depp and Eminem? Eminem was never proven to beat his wife in court, but Johnny Depp was.

How do you keep a homophobic heterosexual man that is a minister and a Christian nationalist with blond hair in suspense?

Wait until Christmas to take away his church's tax-exempt status or he will call the ACLU.

Teachers at a school shooting be like: damn it. That's the third one this week and it's only Monday.

What is the difference between me and a knife?

The knife has a point.

My family is like treasure. I need a map and shovel to find them.

When you run over a speed bump in a school zone and you remember that there are no speed bumps.