All jokes

When my dad left, he said he would bring back the milk, but 20 years later he only came with my new sister and eggs. And I confronted him, and he said, "I used all the milk to make your sister."

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them if you keep reloading.

I'm sorry for all the fish puns. I feel so GILL-ty.

My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.

I'm not racist, but the Ku Klux Klan look all the same to me.

All zodiac signs have their hairstyles. Except cancer.

Poor kids in American schools, they want books, but all they get are magazines.

dont make jokes about the accident my dad died in it he was the best pilot in all of Saudi Arabia :(

My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."

The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"

My mom said, "I took your advice."

Hi, I was a feminist until I realised that:

A. Feminism is just a pile of dumb shit.

B. That men are actually treated unequally.

SO

we should all say sorry to the boys for pissing them off.

Tibia honest, it takes a lot of spine to memorize all the bones in the skeletal system. I mean, there's a skele-ton of em! You gotta be boned up for the skeletal system exam, buddy chum pal. Now that was a humerus ribtickling skelepun. Besides, if ya don't know all of the bones in the skeletal system, get boned, fucking numbskull. Did those tickle your funny bone? Now I've been working down to the bone typing these puns, kid. Now if you hate all these, I won't be bothered, I got thick skin! But first, lemme take a skelfie in the skelevator playing my trom-bone. Now, I gotta go to Grillby's. They got a discount on spare-ribs. Bone-voyage, my homeslice breadslice dawg.

To my best friend, my brother is like a spider. She chose to kill him straight away. That's why she is my friend, after all!

Straights are ALWAYS asking LGBTQ+ people why they have such GOOD FASHION SENSE. We didn't spend all that time in the closet for nothing, honey ;)

A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.

However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.

So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.

He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.

The man replies, “No.”

The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”

The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”

“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”

“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”

My therapist told me, "Time to heal all wounds," so I shot him in the nuts.

Now we wait...

Why is the Z the only politically correct letter?

Because all the other letters are not Z's.

This man has been through all kinda shit in his life. So one day, he finally looks at himself in the mirror and says, "If another person looks at me again, I'm going to kill myself." He looks at himself and no one ever heard from him again.

Why couldn't the orphan buy chips?

They were all family sized.

What do an orphan's parents have in common with Nemo? They all can't be found.

What's the difference between homework and a hooker? They both start with an "H", but we all know which one we would like to do.