All jokes

I despise lumberjacks. They are always barking up the wrong tree, all bark and no bite.

They just need to leaf people alone or stick with something nicer.

I love how all these jokes about different accidents have happened, but why isn't anyone writing about how much of an accident we all were?

Someone burgled my house the other day. It was terrible.

They ripped all of the front and back pages of my dictionaries. Things went from bad to worse.

When someone pops up in your life making you all happy, you be like, "Who sent you?"

After all these walkers, you still walk over me.

Your mum is so fat she eats all day!

Why was the booty so good at math?

It knew all the ANGLES.

Hugging Leo is a great way to commit suicide... you’d just drown in all her fatness.

Why are "Redneck" murder cases the HARDEST to solve?

Answer: Because ALL the DNA "Matches", and there are NO "Dental Records".

I got barred from Weight Watchers today.

It wasn't my fault; it was the fat ass next to me who spilled her box of Maltesers onto the floor in the middle of the room. All I did was say that it was the funniest game of Hungry Hungry Hippos that I have ever seen.

Why are handicap signs blue?

Because they're all Crips.

In my science class we were watching a video, and for no reason at all, it started talking about Black Lives Matter, and my friend leaned over and whispered, “White lives matter more!”

Yo mama is so fat, she turned all the mermaids to fishes!

What does a frozen loading screen and a Make-A-Wish kid have in common?

They both couldn't make it all the way.

Sometimes I look at my butt for a really, really long time, and suddenly it all becomes clear to me.

There was 1 gay guy, who kissed 4576 gay guys. Then had sex with them, creaming so hard, all of the dicks cumming on his face.

Then he stopped and had sex again x6, now he was left with...

Why can't the orphan eat Doritos?

They were all family sized!

So last night I went on a taxi and I showed them your photo. All they said was I could ride him, it would be expensive though, since from his eyebrows to hairline is at least £100.

Person 1: Somebody farted.

Person 2: No, all I can smell is your breath.

As ruler of a kingdom, I wanted a knight. Duke Leo Pessi IV offered himself but wanted a wife in return. I offered my beautiful daughter to him. However, he slapped her and proceeded to wreck my castle. All this whilst crying “I don’t want princess, I want farmer!”

DAMN YOU PESSI!