All jokes

5 Little Monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Momma called the doctor and the doctor said... "Wait, why are there mines all over the floor?"

What's black and red/read all over? A baby skunk with a bad case of diaper rash!

I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!

Three nuns went up to Mother Teresa and said, "Mother Teresa, we would not like to be nuns anymore." Mother Teresa said, "Okay, but first you have to do something unholy." So they leave and come back three days later. The first one says, "Mother Teresa, I did something unholy. I took a little kid's bike." Mother Teresa says, "Okay, drink from the holy water and you are free to go." The second nun walks up, upset, "I did something worse than her. I slept with a married man." The last nun walks up and says, "I did something worse than all of them." Mother Teresa says, "Oh god, oh gosh, what is it?" And the third nun says, "I peed in the holy water."

On Christmas, Mexicans wake up in the morning, then take a nap.

Joking, I know they work hard. They run all the way to the border to decorate the barbed wire.

Jesus has died on the cross to take away our sins. He has all power, but he won’t abuse it. He will help us through tough times. Have you ever felt that feeling in you that something is a bad idea? That’s Jesus. He is the savior and never let anyone say different.

Our Lord will watch us. We will go to Heaven, the promised land, only as long as we believe he’s real and always here. Don’t let anyone speak less and make you disbelieve in our Lord. This is your choice: believe and go to Heaven, or don’t believe and go to Hell, an eternal death. Make a choice.

Note to all moms of teens, keep a dog. That way, someone is excited to see you!

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?

When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach!"

"Dad, did you get a haircut?"

"No, I got them all cut!"

Did you know? The most Black Holes in the Universe are all found in Africa!

Q: How do you know you're at a gay barbecue? A: All the hot dogs taste like shit.

A man wakes up and asks his wife, “Are you okay? You were cursing me all night in your sleep.” The wife replies, “Who says I was sleeping?”

"Talking about childhood habits, my friend told me he still collects coins and post stamps and all. He asked me, I said - breastfeeding."

Why did the rapper wear a watch to the studio?

Because it was all about the TIMING.

Roses are red, I failed my test, All because of Hugh and his incest.

My friend dreamed of being a porno star.

He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.

The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!

When I nailed the quiz, my teacher wasn't very happy. I wasn't either with all those paper cuts.

Oof.

Why did the rapper refuse to play cards?

Because he was tired of dealing with all the jokers.

Why don't rappers struggle with geometry?

Because they have all the angles covered.

What do you get when you cross a rapper with an accountant?

A rhyme scheme that's all about the Benjamins!