What's black and white and red all over?
A newspaper.
All Jokes
Yo mama is so fat, when she's walking down the street, there are cracks all over the sidewalk.
If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.
It's all fun and games until they start dancing.
What did the Titanic say as it sank?
I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!
I’m not religious, but you’re the answer to all of my prayers.
What meds do snakes with ADHD take?
Adder-all.
What is the difference between men and women?
Men have 2 heads, women have 4 lips because men do all the thinking, and women do all the talking.
Imagine a white van. Now imagine a white guy in the driver seat with a sombrero on and his arm out the window, and on the side of the van it says "Free Candy." But there's blood all over the van and a dead clown in the back.
Why were the Twin Towers mad?
Because they ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plain!
What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?
When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.
Tell all the skeleton jokes you want, but I've got thick skin.
We are anonymous because none of us are as cruel as all of us.
I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?!”
I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet!”, and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person, he didn't hear the joke.
Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...
The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.
The brain named itself, and when the brain realized that it named itself, it was surprised.
But maybe, it was a spelling mistake and the brain wanted the name Brian. We all have a little Brian in us!
Why doesn't Mexico win any medals in the summer Olympics anymore?
Because all the Mexicans that can run, swim, or jump are already here.
Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear were having a picnic.
Fozzie said, "Do you know where Ms. Piggy is? I haven't seen her all day."
Kermit said, "I don't know, but this extra bacon cheeseburger sure tastes great."
Here's what to do if an annoying person keeps talking to you. First, ignore them until they ask you if you're going to respond. Then ask them: if they were walking down the street and a rabid dog suddenly started barking at them, would they get on all fours and bark back? After that, continue to ignore them.
Three men are on a bench in Soviet Russia talking shit about Stalin. One of the men all of a sudden pulls out a KGB badge and says, "You two are coming with me for treason." One of the other men also pulls out a badge and says, "Not me." The third man pulls out a badge and says, "Wow? There's a lot of agents here."
