All jokes

Some guy asked me, "Are you better than my meat?" I said, "No, I'm not better, I just beat it all the time."

Teacher said, "You never do your homework," so I shot her 7 times with a M1 BushDid911 and replied, "It's all in my backpack, can you grade it please?"

I don’t see why people say that emo kids don’t like to hangout. I seen them hanging all day.

What do a brand new house, me, and new jewelry box have in common?

We're all empty on the inside.

Wilt Chamberlain may have spread his seed among many women, but Kobe spread his brain matter all over California.

Q: Why is it good being an orphan?

A: Because the family sized bag is all there's.

What happens when there's ten people in one house and they all have to shit and there's one bathroom?

It's a motherfucking shitshow party!

Did you know you can slap an orphan all you want, because what are they gonna do, tell their parents?

When I aim this trigger, it all goes red.

Do you have a bounty 'cause you got a "M" on your head?

All Nepali love momos.

I got evicted from the hospital today for telling all the patients to stay positive!

What a negative effect!

Your mother is responsible for all the train drivers that are never ever late. She taught them all to pull out on time.

I'd love to move to a country ruled by Scott Stapp of Creed. Not only is it a place with golden streets, but it also welcomes people of all kinds with arms wide open.

At least he got D.L.A. (Disability Living Allowance), so it's not all bad. Every cloud has a silver lining...even a mushroom cloud.

Tell all the skeleton jokes you want, but I've got thick skin.

Well, we started off by ripping up ALL of the decking.

Abandon ship!

And Sterling has taken a dive.

That's all for financial news, back to the football.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that’s just nuts.

My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

I don't really trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say "press," but if you press those badges, they just fall over, all surprised.